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Wednesday, September 9, 2009

I pushed your buttons with my piggy sniffles

My cuticles drive me nuts.

I keep wanting to chew at them, but it does nothing but make it worse. Instead, I prod, and shove, and pick at them with my nails, trying to get them to give. When I have nail clippers, I always chop them until they're almost raw. I can't stand thick cuticles. I pluck too much.

I will not bite them. Watch me. See how I keep my mouth away from my hands?
Now if only I could keep my hands away from my hands, without wrapping my fingers in bandaids to stop me from tugging at the skin...

Meeting with my mom yesterday was strange but very good. Whoever thinks all cancer makes you lose weight is very silly. They put you on steroids, and you gain a lot. My mom is very down on herself because of her weight, and the fact that so much of her hair fell out. If I could afford it, I would buy her a wig.

She kept saying how skinny I was. I know I'm still in the overweight range, but it was nice. She prodded my stomach when my shirt rode up and goes, " have shaped abs"...and I said, "Of course I do. Round and floppy is a shape!"

She gave me a weird look. I thought it was a funny joke...


She also didn't think it was funny when I convinced some people in an elevator I had swine flu.

It was a group of six or seven, acting super obnoxious. They were moving about in a crowded space, talking, touching, even somewhat rough housing. Irritating the fuck out of me.
So I looked at my mom and said:
"You know, I think the doctor was wrong. I know he said to stay out of public for another week or so, but I really do think I'm over that swine flu thing."

Then I started coughing.

You have never seen such a stampede of people to get off the elevator at the wrong floor EVER.


She would start crying at random intervals. For no reason. She would hug me and say she never thought she'd see me again - that she thought she would die in that hospital room.

I know she thought that. She tried to hide it. I knew. We always knew how scared she was.
She didn't have to be quiet about it. I told her that. I told her we knew. That we wanted to be there for her. That she didn't need to conceal it.
She just smiled.

She said sometimes, your pride is all you have left.

Sometimes, even though other people know you suffer, you need to think they don't. You need to think you're protecting them. Because if you have to live to make sure they don't hurt...then you don't give up. It's easier to fight for your children, than to fight for yourself.
Easier to make yourself live for someone you love, when all you see when you look ahead is hell....
I played the song Beauty From Pain for her (the Superchick song)
She wants to play that song for the support group she's started up (she lives in a small town and the nearest one is four hours away).

I don't think I ever realized the meaning of the words until I saw her with a hand over her eyes, shoulders shaking.


It's hard to see someone you love falling apart.


It's easier to keep myself distant. To close my eyes.
To not feel the panic that wants to set in.
The helplessness.

I don't like that feeling.
I have to keep myself strong for her. Keep my chin up, and myself carefully contained until it's all safe again. And then, when we're on steady ground, and it's safe to feel?

Then I'll cry.

You can't steer a ship through a storm if you let your panic blind your eyes.
And you can't navigate out of a maze if you can't see through your tears.


We had to change rooms. They upgraded us because of an error in her hotel room.
The bell man was talking to us. He said one guy there stole a door when he left.
Another time, a guy called him up to clean something, and his wife walked out of the shower naked, with nothing but a towel over her head.

The bellman said, "She screamed, I screamed. She goes, 'You're looking at me!' and I yelled back, 'You're looking at ME!' and ran out. With the way that woman was, she should have paid me to have to see her naked."

Cue me walking into a hallway table from laughing so hard.


132.2 today. I lost, despite going out to breakfast with mom.

Restriction has a feel to it that I had forgotten.
It's a nice feel.

A cold feel.
A dizzy feel.

I like it.

I like the way my arms tingle.
I like the way my head swims. How my stomach clenches. How I feel floating or disconnected. It's a slow onset. Careful and easy, but I feel the difference even with how much I'm eating.
In my lips. I can feel my heart in my lips sometimes. They feel fuller. Sticky because of all the chapstick.



I have a crush on a girl in my math class.

I think I'm going to try and ask her out.

It's hard when you date girls. Because if she's prettier or skinnier, you're not competing with another're competing with her to make her think you're good enough.

The end.


  1. My mom recently had a full hysterectomy to remove uterine cancer, so I know a little bit about what you're going through. She's always afraid to go under, thinking she won't wake back up. I stayed in the hospital her that night and felt so thankful that was okay. She in a lot of pain for a long time and had to take hormones. I think she just didn't feel right losing her woman parts. I'm glad you're able to be strong for your mom, its hard, but people who go through things like that need strength from loved ones as well as their own strength. And maybe going out to breakfast with your mom gave your metabolism a nice kick : )

  2. reading your blog just makes me want to tell you that you're really incredible. your writing style is brilliant and you just express yourself really well. and your strength really shines through.

    i'd be flattered if you had a crush on me ;-)

  3. This post feels so real. Sometimes I forget that people with cancer are people. People who have loved ones with cancer can and do pull pranks and have crushes. You're going through such a difficult time period in your life, but you're able to write down the visceral aspects of it and move forward. I want to commend you. =)