Saturday, September 12, 2009
My Weight is Symbolic
Mother's family is here.
I have been sick. Or my body is trying to get sick. Not sleeping well, constantly exhausted and overly emotional. I wound up nearly breaking down at the idea of seeing them after work, and being forced to go to breakfast. I had been at 131.6, and because I ate a bowl of cereal (half a serving) before bed, woke up at 133 on only 3 hours of sleep. I finally just told my mom I was going to bed early when I got home, and I'd see her in the later afternoon (I work overnights, so it's 2pm now, and I'm about to head out to see her).
My grandmother on my mom's side disowned me. Apparently for being gay.
Come to find out, one of my female cousins is not only dating a female, but a female who dreams of getting surgery to become a man.
And she's still welcome.
It's awesome favoritism.
My family on my mother's side is that one-step-above-trailer trash. Highly baptist, psuedo-liberal, super abusive, dellusional snakes. They say things about how wonderful everyone of them is, and yet, they steal from each other and know it, and half the thing they talk about never happened. I know, because I was there when some of these supposedly "Hilarious events" occurred, and they're all LIES. It's like a mass hallucination amongst them.
And I just have to keep reminding myself that I cannot expect them to be anything other than who they are. Don't hold them to the same standards I hold the people around me to, because they'll never meet them.
They're sad, broken little puppys who gave up and prefer their fantasy worlds to the hell that they created for themselves.
God I'm so happy my dad got custody.
Today, I have to go out with some of them. Luckily, my brother will be there. Doesn't make it any easier.
I just have to keep reminding myself to stay calm. And stay in control.
I realized that my need to restrict right now is natural. I'm so stressed over the whole lot of them getting here, that it can't really be helped but to desire to take control where I am. So I know they're all going to want to go out and gorge themselves. But I'll be good.
I'm going to restrict.
I'm going to refuse.
I'm going to resist.
Elegance is refusal.
Strength is knowing when to say no.
I'm not going to gain a damn pound from this encounter. I'm not going to get any fatter. I'll go through this, holding on to what matters most to me right now, which is my weight. It is not that it is the most important thing in the world, but it is symbolic. It is a sign that I am in control of these encounters - that even when I'm around the demons of my past that helped make my childhood hell, that I am no longer child, and I am free from them now.
After we go out, I'm going to wait for my mom to go to bed then head to the gym. Come back to my house, print out my study guide for math, sleep, and go see them again. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to go to the gym while they were here, but I realized that I can. Very easily. Because nothing says I have to stay at the hotel with them. This way, I can avoid eating out at every meal, and still get a breather and time to spend with my dog. Who is like...better than prozac when it comes to helping me chill.