Friday, September 18, 2009
Sometimes, I hate compliments
Nobody ever felt the need to harp on about my weight when I was fat. And if they did, it was seen in bad taste, and I had lots of people to go, "What a dick" with me when I complained.
Now it seems like it's all people can talk about.
At first, it's nice to hear. I love hearing the "Wow...you look so good!" remark. The gasp when people hear just how much I've lost, or the envious glint to their eyes. I like some of the attention I get from strangers when I go out. But it gets old. Because I wonder why they can't see what I see. The fat still hanging heavy on my legs on my arms. The swollen stomach. The hanging chin....
...but I can take the compliments, because that's what polite people do. They know how to take an insult, but they also know how to take a compliment. How to not deny it, or contradict it, but to instead smile and be gracious about it, no matter if you think it's accurate or not. It's CLASSY.
But then they ask how much more I want to lose.
"Oh...I don't know. A bit more."
"How much is a bit?"
"I was thinking 20, maybe 30 pounds?"
From where....like they want me to lift up my clothing and show them my imperfections. Convince them. I don't know if they're being polite, or if they're being honest, but I don't care either way. I tell them, "Well, when you lose weight, you're supposed to have a very high goal, you know? Because the closer you get to your goal, research has shown that you slow down. So if your actual is aim is say...120, you want to shoot for 110. I'm not sure of the science behind it, but studies show overwhelmingly that it works."
And then they scoff. "You don't even need to lose any weight." And they go on about it. On and on and on. Talking about my weight. Complimenting my looks, scoffing at my ambitions...it's like such a backhanded sweetness.
Like saying, "You look wonderful, but you're stupid as fuck still." A way for people to tear you apart with the pretense of kindness. It makes me look at them and think of how bitter they are, or how much they don't LIKE the idea of me losing more, or of me being able to do what they can't. From women, it feels like they don't want me to lose it because they don't want me to be better than them. From men...like they're trying to get me to approve of them more, you know?
The only person who I feel like their opinion was completely untainted was my brother.
He saw me, and kept saying that I looked good...but not just that I looked good...
"You should be so proud of yourself. I'm proud of you. I know how hard what you're doing is, because I've worked with people to help them, and you just...you did it almost completely on your own. I'm so proud of you and how strong you are."
Untainted by the ED world. Yes, he said something about my weight, but it was more than that. He complimented my will. Complimented my strength. Someone else saw what I've been trying so hard to prove to myself.
When I eventually confided in him that I did want to lose about 30 more pounds, he held me at arms length and looked me up and down. Spun me around. And then he said,
"That would look so sexy." And looked at his fiancee and said, "My sister would be HOT. That's sort of disturbing. I mean, she is hot, but she would be SEXY." He looked back at me. "It'll be hard. When you get closer to it, those last ten or fifteen pounds can take longer than any of the others. You could get to a point where it might take a month to lose a pound, but that's because you'll be fighting against your body's own desire to stay at a certain weight. But if you keep up and stay as strong as you have been? You'll do it."
No judgment. Nothing. Approval. I realized how much I love brother in that moment. He has never judged me. Has never said I was doing the wrong thing with my life, unlike my sisters. He's supported every wild whim I've had, and never even flickered an eye when he found out I was gay (his only response was, "Just don't steal my god damn girlfriends,").
My Dad is like that, too, in a lot of ways. Not fully. Because he's my dad. A dad needs to judge, to knock you back into line. But yeah....
And my mom told me, when she was here, "You shouldn't call yourself fat in front of me. I'm bigger. How do you think that makes me feel?"
I looked her dead in the eyes and said, "My opinion of myself does not translate to my opinion of you. Just because I think my legs are ugly and my nose is huge doesn't mean I'm going to go around comparing my calves and nose to that of everyone else and look down on them depending on their nostril size or something. I don't like how my weight looks on me, and I don't like how it feels. That doesn't mean I see you the same way I see me. We're our own harshest critics. I think you're beautiful."
Suddenly because I'm losing weight, I'm supposed to be judgmental to everyone else around me or something. Just because I'm judgmental of myself....awesome.
Anyway...I'm back to restricting. Not well. Have to ease myself back into it or risk migraines/binging. Yesterday I was at 745 calories. Today I'm aiming for about 700 again. My goal, as before, is to get down to 600-650, because any lower, and the migraines kick in D:
I forgot how hunger feels like this. My moods are all out of wack. I'm so quick to get angry. I'm tired but not sleeping very well, and feel very reclusive.
But I feel better about myself.
I like it.
But it makes me miss my ex. The crazy abusive one. There was a lot of good about her before she truly, truly lost it. Like...when I needed to fight. She knew. She always knew things about me, and sometimes knew how to act. She would tell me, "...it's okay to fight with me. I know you need to." And then that would mean that would scream at each other, and nothing we said would be held against the other or taken seriously. She would let me shout about nothing and everything, until I was too exhausted to do more than grab her and cuddle.
I don't miss her. I miss some things about her. But she's still a nutso whore and the reason I've sworn off sex, and relationships, for the past like...5 years XD
Anyway, back to chugging energy drinks.