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Sunday, September 20, 2009

Binge, Purge, Wash, Repeat day on Wednesday/Thursday (I'm uip all night, so my days blend XD) was...absolutely terrible. And I realized that I pushed myself too hard, too fast.

I had done 650-750 cals for about 2-3 days at that point. I was feeling shaky with hunger, and couldn't understand why. Because I hadn't been doing it long enough, and I was still eating.
Thursday morning, after the gym, I had a small amount to eat. So I took a full ambien in an attempt to get to sleep...then I wound up eating more.

And more.
And more.

I freaked. Drank two bottles of water, and then purged until my throat was raw.
I didn't weigh myself Thursday night. Stayed home from class for a second god damned day in a week because I was exhausted and depressed on Friday, meaning I can't turn in my homework, and I'm super behind (two missed consecutive days in Calculus? BAD NEWS) and I just...yeah... I realized that I cut back too much, too fast.

When I started out in April, I went from like...2000 kcals to like...1500, then to 1200, then 900, 800, 700, and finally bottomed out at 600. I did it SLOWLY. Or at least like...over the period of like...a week or two. Not in one day.

So I've gone from 700 cals to 1200. Or at least, that's my top limit. Today, I'm at about 850-900. I don't plan to eat any more.

I had gotten up to 134.6 after the week with my mom and her family. When I did the math, I realized I was over 2000 kcals a day while they were here. So I'm at only about 1200 right now. I'll drop down slowly, but after the gym today, I was at 131.6, which means that it's WORKING.

Slowly but surely, I'm dropping the weight I gained.

And I hope more than anything that I'll be down to at least 128 by the end of the month. I have been losing so slowly lately that I'm not sure if it'll happen. I don't want to think I will. I don't want to think I'll lose, because I don't want to be disappointed when I step on the scale and don't see it move. I'm just not even thinking that I'll lose weight anymore. Just...going to keep working. Going to keep pushing, because it's gotten to the point where restricting, and going to the gym, are the only things that are keeping me sane. Whenever I get depressed or get anxiety, I just...go run until and go at the weights until I feel like I'm either going to vomit or die.

Anyway, now I'm watching Gia and looking up pictures of Twiggy. It's helping to stave off another desire to binge.
Because I can't wait until I'm skinny. And even if I'm not tall enough to be a fashion model type, at least I can be pretty enough.

Stay strong, my boys and girls.



  1. Gia? explain :)
    not that it'll make you feel any better but i binged and purged last night after going to a friends. Just think its a new day, and i will be better

  2. ahh i recently missed 3 consecutive maths classes most of which was calculas and im sooo far behind its unreal and i cant even imagine if the stuff was higher level like you will be doing
    good luck with it im gna have to check out what gia is now :)


  3. I've heard of the movie, I even work in a dvd store and somehow have never seen it.
    I always forgot to check for it.

    -Note to self, check if we have it in store-
    If not I'll download it.

    Loosing weight slowly is ultimately the best way to do it. (Even if it's still not entirely healthy.)
    Means it's easier to maintain.

    Stay strong!

  4. i'm totally in the binge/purge cycle right now and i agree, you have to wean yourself out of it. doing too much too fast will just make you binge like mad and wind up undoing any progress you may have made. you are wise beyond your years ;-)

    good luck with the new plan! you're going to be skinny so soon!

  5. ahh i love twiggy she's so pretty! keep up the skinny!

  6. taking it slowly is the best way, if you go too fast you'll just get the urge to binge all the time, and gain all the weight back,
    you can get to where you want to be,
    it will just take a little time x

  7. I love Gia!! such a fantastic movie! I hope you feel better bebe! Stay strong and think thin!!!