Sunday, September 20, 2009
Binge, Purge, Wash, Repeat
So...my day on Wednesday/Thursday (I'm uip all night, so my days blend XD) was...absolutely terrible. And I realized that I pushed myself too hard, too fast.
I had done 650-750 cals for about 2-3 days at that point. I was feeling shaky with hunger, and couldn't understand why. Because I hadn't been doing it long enough, and I was still eating.
Thursday morning, after the gym, I had a small amount to eat. So I took a full ambien in an attempt to get to sleep...then I wound up eating more.
I freaked. Drank two bottles of water, and then purged until my throat was raw.
I didn't weigh myself Thursday night. Stayed home from class for a second god damned day in a week because I was exhausted and depressed on Friday, meaning I can't turn in my homework, and I'm super behind (two missed consecutive days in Calculus? BAD NEWS) and I just...yeah...
...so I realized that I cut back too much, too fast.
When I started out in April, I went from like...2000 kcals to like...1500, then to 1200, then 900, 800, 700, and finally bottomed out at 600. I did it SLOWLY. Or at least like...over the period of like...a week or two. Not in one day.
So I've gone from 700 cals to 1200. Or at least, that's my top limit. Today, I'm at about 850-900. I don't plan to eat any more.
I had gotten up to 134.6 after the week with my mom and her family. When I did the math, I realized I was over 2000 kcals a day while they were here. So I'm at only about 1200 right now. I'll drop down slowly, but after the gym today, I was at 131.6, which means that it's WORKING.
Slowly but surely, I'm dropping the weight I gained.
And I hope more than anything that I'll be down to at least 128 by the end of the month. I have been losing so slowly lately that I'm not sure if it'll happen. I don't want to think I will. I don't want to think I'll lose, because I don't want to be disappointed when I step on the scale and don't see it move. I'm just not even thinking that I'll lose weight anymore. Just...going to keep working. Going to keep pushing, because it's gotten to the point where restricting, and going to the gym, are the only things that are keeping me sane. Whenever I get depressed or get anxiety, I just...go run until and go at the weights until I feel like I'm either going to vomit or die.
Anyway, now I'm watching Gia and looking up pictures of Twiggy. It's helping to stave off another desire to binge.
Because I can't wait until I'm skinny. And even if I'm not tall enough to be a fashion model type, at least I can be pretty enough.
Stay strong, my boys and girls.
AND YOU GUYS ALL NEED TO WATCH GIA LIKE NOW HOLY SHIT THIS MOVIE IS AMAZING