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Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Dance like an idiot

Somedays, restricting is easier than others.
I've done it for the past three days, I suppose.
I ate 700 calories on Saturday without meaning to (or something like that).
Yesterday, was about 700 as well.

It's still a lot, and I've been realizing how much 700 is. I told myself I wouldn't restrict again until my mom had come and gone, and yet here I am, on the second day of her being in town, obsessing over what I put in my mouth.

This is dangerous.

My brother is a personal trainer. My aunt is a drug addict. My uncle is too.
My grandmother on my mom's side despises me. My cousins dislike me. Another aunt, I've met so rarely in my life I don't even remember her name.
It's strange.

None of us like each other.
But we're gathering.

For my mom.

She's in recovery from leukemia. It was the biggest scare ever, and I really can't wait to see her. But at the same time, I can't wait for this to be over with. It's a huge stress, and if I could, I'd fast forward through it all. Yes, I want to spend time with her. Yes, I want to make her happy. Yes, I miss her. But you guys understand, right?
It's hard to things sometimes. To face things.

You get scared, and anxious, and you have no idea why.

You want something, but at the same time, you can't bring yourself to do it.
The anxiety just builds and builds....

I dislike change.
I dislike many things.
I need to change.
I need to do a lot of things.
We all have to grow up one day.

The process just sucks.

Weight loss stuck. 132.6. I'm happy, but it doesn't feel like enough. I'm afraid of being stuck here all month.

I want the 120's.
I want to be out of this number range already.
I'm grateful and happy for every pound I lose, but on the same note, I'm frustrated with how long it takes. The happiness fades so quickly for a new resolve that feels like it's wearing on me.
I just need to restrict. To make the scale move. To starve.
If I can...when I get the chance, I can do a hard restriction, and I know I can lose 10 pounds in a fairly short amount of time. Then I can slowly up my in take again, and then restrict again, and then up it slowly....

...I want to lose 10-12 pounds. I want to try and lose that quick through restricting.
Because if I do, then I'll be in the low 120's, which is in my healthy range.
I'll feel more like I've accomplished something. I think in my mid to low teens, I'll finally start to feel like a regular person, and not this fat blob.

Fo fum, ho hum.
Oh well and all that good stuff.

Back to studying for me.


  1. awwww
    yeah, i understand about the family issue. when my grandpa died, my whole entire famiyl gathered and it was realyl awkward for most of us, because we were so used to fighting all the time and like i saw aunts and cousins that i hadnt seen in years...
    thanks so much for your comment, you dont know how much that is goign to stick with me it really helped alot.
    and dont worry about weight loss taking forever, because you're right. you can do it, as you have in the past, and maybe it will takew longer than you expected, but at least your closer today than you were yesterday, and sure as hell closer than you were months ago :]
    and even one day closer is better than a lifetime behind, so at least were not morbidly obese like 5000 pounds or something, because that would be sad :/
    i cant wait to feel like not a fat blob amongst society. it's gonna be so great :]]

  2. I think restriction in the thing that cracks our minds out the most. I'm restricting at the moment, and like you had about 700 calories today. It seems immense. I'm going to bed feeling so uncomfortable and guilty. But its really not a lot. At all. Restricting makes me crazy-obsessive, hyper-analytical, completely shut down in all others ways. Even fasting doesn't have the same mental intensity about it.

    Good luck with everything. The family, the 120s, the studying.


  3. "I'm grateful and happy for every pound I lose, but on the same note, I'm frustrated with how long it takes."

    I feel the exact same way :( It's so hard to take it off and I feel like it comes back 10x easier. Ugh. But I agree, theres nothing to do but strengthen your resolve and try harder. Good luck with the mommy gathering too. it'll be over soon.

  4. I just want to say that you are already my real girl thinspo. I've read through your blog and got so much courage and inspiration it's crazy. I told myself that I wouldn't be at 200 ever again, and sometimes I forget that when I can't beat the 190's. But you lost 13lbs in a month. I can do that, because you have and I believe now. Thank you so much.

  5. I'm not trying to preach, but try to fill up on liquids. Lots of water and black coffee. And then, little bits of juice/tea/maybe coffee with creamer. I did this last month and I went from 133.5 to 121.5 in a week. I just kept my liquid calories low and kept myself full with water and coffee. That way, your metabolism shouldn't slow down too much. Maybe this will help? Good luck!

  6. You'll be there before you know it.

    Don't worry.