Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Dance like an idiot
Somedays, restricting is easier than others.
I've done it for the past three days, I suppose.
I ate 700 calories on Saturday without meaning to (or something like that).
Yesterday, was about 700 as well.
It's still a lot, and I've been realizing how much 700 is. I told myself I wouldn't restrict again until my mom had come and gone, and yet here I am, on the second day of her being in town, obsessing over what I put in my mouth.
This is dangerous.
My brother is a personal trainer. My aunt is a drug addict. My uncle is too.
My grandmother on my mom's side despises me. My cousins dislike me. Another aunt, I've met so rarely in my life I don't even remember her name.
None of us like each other.
But we're gathering.
For my mom.
She's in recovery from leukemia. It was the biggest scare ever, and I really can't wait to see her. But at the same time, I can't wait for this to be over with. It's a huge stress, and if I could, I'd fast forward through it all. Yes, I want to spend time with her. Yes, I want to make her happy. Yes, I miss her. But you guys understand, right?
It's hard to just...do things sometimes. To face things.
You get scared, and anxious, and you have no idea why.
You want something, but at the same time, you can't bring yourself to do it.
The anxiety just builds and builds....
I dislike change.
I dislike many things.
I need to change.
I need to do a lot of things.
We all have to grow up one day.
The process just sucks.
Weight loss stuck. 132.6. I'm happy, but it doesn't feel like enough. I'm afraid of being stuck here all month.
I want the 120's.
I want to be out of this number range already.
I'm grateful and happy for every pound I lose, but on the same note, I'm frustrated with how long it takes. The happiness fades so quickly for a new resolve that feels like it's wearing on me.
I just need to restrict. To make the scale move. To starve.
If I can...when I get the chance, I can do a hard restriction, and I know I can lose 10 pounds in a fairly short amount of time. Then I can slowly up my in take again, and then restrict again, and then up it slowly....
...I want to lose 10-12 pounds. I want to try and lose that quick through restricting.
Because if I do, then I'll be in the low 120's, which is in my healthy range.
I'll feel more like I've accomplished something. I think in my mid to low teens, I'll finally start to feel like a regular person, and not this fat blob.
Fo fum, ho hum.
Oh well and all that good stuff.
Back to studying for me.