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Monday, August 3, 2009

Broken bones, new lows, and sleepy


I can't get over it.

I was at a plateau for almost 3 weeks. And then my period hits, and BOOM, I FINALLY drop under 140. I had a burger today first thing when I woke up (my coworker bought it for me) and while I'm terrified that will fuck up my weight, I'm not really that scared. I am but I'm not. I refuse to feel guilty for it. I don't want to feel guilty for eating. Not right now, anyway.

I'm training for my first 5k. But I was stupid and pushed too hard, and didn't pay attention when my shin started hurting. I've fractured my left leg before, and i guess that makes it more sensitive to it in the future, and now I have a slight stress fracture in my tibia. It's not too terrible, and I'm sure it'll be mostly healed in the next few days. I've been taking it easy at the gym, only doing 40 minutes of aerobics, and only non impact stuff. I focus the rest of my time there on weights or just swimming.

It's the monthly time. It makes me so fucking tired, and one of my friends suggested it might be anemia. I have PMDD or whatever, and so does she, but she said that some tests she got showed she gets severely anemic on her period, which causes migraines, anger issues, and exhaustion. So I'm going to buy some iron supplements to see if it helps. Because no joke, I fell asleep walking. My coworker blamed it on me not eating breakfast and bought me a burger (we work nights so there's no breakfast food available...)

So I've brought my food intake up to a normal level. There are a few reasons for this. The overall one is the need to get my metabolism working again. I've been pushing hard at the gym, and when I'm not suffering from a stress fracture, I tend to burn over 1000 calories a session, and with how little and how rarely through out the day I was eating, it had shut my body down completely. I was storing everything.

It's taken a while to get used to it, and just increasing a little was making so nauseous. I eat every 2-3 hours, and I'm at about 1000-1200 calories a day right now, sometimes less, but I try not to go below or over those two numbers. When you eat more often, it actually keeps your metabolism moving, which is one of my greatest mistakes last time. Even just a few grapes every few hours forces your metabolism to keep burning, which burns more calories, and doesn't allow it to go into store mode as quick.

The other reason is because of control. I was binging more and more often, and with more and more terrible numbers. It was brought on by migraines, which were triggered any time I went under 700 calories, and were coming every other day. I would be good with 600 calories for one day, and the next, I would get a migraine and wind up eating 3000. I wasn't able to throw away food anymore, and if something was in front of me, I wouldn't just eat it - I would eat until I got sick. So I figured it was worth eating more so I wasn't as tempted. It's been working, actually. Yesterday I threw out a cookie. Today, I turned away fries without any pain or urge to take them. I just honestly didn't want them. I've found I don't like the foods I used to love before this, like pizza or pastas...they feel too heavy, and I focus on how they feel in my stomach, and how I feel emotionally after them, and I'm not tempted anymore.

Then there's the family and friends coming into town. Everyone centers around going out to eat for family functions, which, if I weren't used to eating, would be disasterous. Especially if I were at that point where I was not so long ago, where I couldn't stop binging.

It's sort of funny. I met up with some friends I hadn't seen in a while, and we all went out to eat. I had actually already had a peanut butter sammich before, which is the greatest deliciousness in the world, so I wasn't that hungry. But I stole some of their appetizers, and then ordered a desert of strawberries, cream, and some little angelfood cake slices. It actually wasn't that terrible for you when I looked up the calorie count (only like, 190 cals, shockingly enough...but it was with vegan cream!). But as we were leaving, one of my friends who knew me when I went through my bad time in High School with drugs and ED's goes, "You know...I thought you had become anorexic again or something. It's really good to see you eat."
And I laughed, put my arm around her shoulders, and said, "Honey, anorexic's can't eat delicious cake. I don't have that sort of will power." And she laughed and looked really relieved. And I sort of wanted to dance, because it's like...

I have control.

I have control to starve when I want.

And I have control to eat when I want.

I have control of my disorder, as strange as that sounds. I know myself well enough to know when I need to eat again, and I know myself well enough to know when I can starve and it'll work. It's an experiment with my body, and I'm in control enough that nobody really suspects anything. It's weird...but...while on some level, I know what I'm doing isn't's sort of like...well...what defines a disorder? A sickness?

I'm not suffering. And I'm not troubled by my behavior. And it's not affecting my life in a negative manner. In fact, I'm healthier than I have been in a long time, and I'm happier than I've been. So according to that, I do not have a disorder at all. I know I struggle with food and my relationship with it, but I feel like, even though I'm eating...I'm in control.
I stopped my binging by eating more, and when I'm settled enough and people aren't visiting anymore, I'll restrict again, and then work up to eating normal, and restrict, and just keep my metabolism on it's toes, you know?

I'm in control.

I'm out of my binge cycle. I don't binge anymore. It's very nice.

If you read this, you get massive kudos, because this is a long and boring entry.

after the 10th I'll be posting some before and after pics, even though I'm not even CLOSE to the weight I want yet. I still have about 35 pounds to go, but I'm lower than I think I ever remember. In fifth grade I was at I mean...I'm in the 130's. Do you know how awesome that is? When I was in the 190's when I started?
When I lost another 10 pounds, I'll be in the 20's...god...I just...I can't even imagine it.
I just...I can't even wrap my mind around it.

This is so amazing...

♥ the end!


  1. periods have got to be the strangest of things some times they cause a loss some times they cause a gain
    lol so weird

    get the doctor to check your iron its just a simple blood test eat spinach lots of iron:) cause anemia sucks i HATE stairs they completly drain me

  2. seriously I am SO excited, I am like more excited about you than I am about the possibility of me getting below 110 (which at this rate is not happening b/c of watchful eyes)... I don't know what to do with myself, but this definitely makes me want to go and run some laps or something haha.

    I wish I could print this post out and feed it to my soul :)

    All my love sweetheart, you are incredible!

  3. omg, i am so happy for you!welldone!!
    i've been trying to get under 140 for weeks now but have sadly gained :(
    but i will use this post as motivation!
    goodluck on losing the rest of the weight!
    you can do it -x-

  4. I love you.

    I'm going through the same exact thing - I'm even at 138 - but you say it so much better.


  5. Hello,

    This is going to be the lamest comment ever because I'm in a rush and couldn't even read your entry, but I just read something truly beautiful you wrote on Savory's blog, that went something like: "...that makes us want to dip our pens into the inkwell of your personality and draw skeletons in honour of your shattered beauty". It made me go 'wow'. Thanks for that :)

  6. awwww im so happy for you that you feel so good this is so amazing and your so close to the 120s yay!!!!
    i need to get my metabolism up again too :/
    stay strong your doing so freaking well!!

  7. WOw! Congrats!! You have come so far!

    And when you say:

    "I have control.

    I have control to starve when I want.

    And I have control to eat when I want."

    I WANT THAT! I WANT TO BE ABLE TO SAY THAT WITH CONVICTION! I'm working on it and getting closer but....not close enough to SAY IT yet.

    Keep Up Being The Awesomeness that is You =)


  8. Well, I hope the Always Sunny connection made you smile, your comment put one on my face. :)