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Sunday, August 23, 2009

The Infidel is Me


School school school.

It starts tomorrow.

I'm about 12 pounds over where I wanted to be. More, depending on the day, and how much the scale hates me. I went from 135.8 to 137 in a day. With working out and restricting. I wanted to be at 123. But no. I don't know what I did wrong. I can't really peg it.

School school school. I don't feel ready. Not because I don't have my calculus book yet, or because I'm not taking my neurobiology course, or my advanced developmental psych, or my organic chem...or because I'm only taking one class because I have to focus on my personal training course, which is about three classes worth of workload (holy shit, you guys, there's THREE TEXTBOOKS I NEED TO READ in the next month). Or because I completely forgot about school starting until today (Sunday night). No...none of those things. Instead, I don't feel ready because I can't fit into the outfit I wanted to wear for my first day. I'm still fat. 60-62lb's lost since summer semester and I don't see the difference. I don't think anyone else will either.

I feel like I got fatter, though I know I haven't. Though wouldn't that be a nightmareish story? To wake up and realize that all the weight you thought you've lost, you've actually gained? That you've been in a psychosis, and instead of weighing, say, 130lb's, you've gained those 60lb's, and are suddenly 250?
For that slowly appearing long neck to disappear in the time it takes to wake up and find it double rolled and hanging thick against your non-existent collarbone?

Ugh. I just gave myself chills.

Okay, back to studying.
♥ Stay strong, sweeties.
Good luck to those of you who's semesters are starting.

Am I the Infidel?
I thought it was supposed to be someone else
But now I see it's me
I am my own worst enemy

Just think of it
How the sequence of the incidents was intricate
So brilliant, yet illegitimate
Not disastrously, but triumphantly
When we met in a secret facility, I said
(You remember what I said,)
"It'll be easy for you to recognize me
By the coils of concertina wire
Surrounding my head in a shiny halo
Of small, sharp blades."

"There are people here that would do you great harm
So please, just try to stay calm
And I'll get you through this,"
You whispered
And with that, my allegiance had shifted

The betrayal
The delusions
My Quantico rejection
The isolation, the breakdowns
And mysterious injections

Hey-ey oh ey, the Infidel is me

Then it was I
The lone futurist leading
Scores of resistors armed with tridents
But you're not there

Why can't you come in from the cold?
Why can't you come in from the cold
To make an unlikely alliance with me?

Why don't you come in from the cold
To make an unlikely alliance with me?

Hey-ey oh ey, Hey-ey-ey-ey
Hey-ey oh ey, the Infidel is me

And in defiance of our alliance
I say, go away and lick your wounds
And if you get them really clean again
You can dream away your dark dreams
(Rasputina - "The Infidel Is Me")


  1. This is my first post ever. I just read through all of your blogs in one sitting. You are truly an inspiration! You'll get those 12 lbs soon. =)

    Good luck in all of your classes.

  2. Aw, good luck at school.
    I'm sure you'll get to 123 in no time!
    :) x

  3. awww thank you so much <3
    im glad someone out there believes in me when i dont believe in myself, it keeps me going :)

  4. Rasputina is awesome, by the way.

    Keep staying strong - we all have our ups and downs, as well as our moments of "Why am I instantly fatter?"

  5. Have a great time at school! I know, I start in one week and usually I'm alot more prepared than I am by this time. gahh...

    stay strong and keep your goals in mind, your gonna lose those 12 pounds in no time. :)

  6. omg you just completly freaked me to wake up and have gained all the weight back would be the most horrible thing non existing collar bones would be even worse!!

    good luck with the personal trainer thing so excited for you

  7. wow youve lost sixty pounds? i hope you feel a little different!! that's like losing my little sister. that personal training course sounds hard!! and tedious. stay strong girlie! <3