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Tuesday, August 18, 2009

I want to stop wearing my mask probably the most truthful, intimate thing I've ever written here, and it was all brought up because heather wrote an entry about a sewing machine, and I decided to make a list of all the things I want. It sort of...evolved, I guess.
I just feel like...there's something clawing inside of me. Something terrible. So much has happened, and so much has gone wrong, but I keep holding out hope, and forcing myself to face the things I did wrong to get me to where I am now, and force myself to take responsibility, and to face up to who I am...
As I strip the flesh from my bones, so too do I strip the layers from my soul. There are pieces of me even I forgot existed...and here is a list that I need to post. Strips of me with words I haven't even said to my dearest friends, or admitted to therapists, and here it is for all of

I want to...

• ...learn to fix my own car, for at least the basic things
• ... learn to sew (make and mend my own clothes, as well as alter)
• ...finish my book
• ...become a personal trainer
• ...become independent (not have to worry about being able to support myself if something happens to my parents).
• ...get off graveyards
• ...get my finances and medical bills under control
• ...stop being afraid to face things like insurance companies, and avoiding it for so long that I wind up getting my credit messed up majorly
• ...have the courage to take responsibility for my mistakes
• ...admit to myself that I'm out of control. Not with my eating disorder, but with other aspects of my life. I would be fine, if I could get up the courage to face my health insurance company and try to dig myself out of this hole my avoidance has gotten me into
• ...admit that maybe I'm not cut out for college.
• ...get at least a bachelors degree, if not a Masters, and find something I love to do, in case I don't have the energy to push through med school to wind up in another career I feel empty in.
• ...stop taking my main enjoyment out of roleplaying on line, and find something to do with my life, irl
• ...move out of this city and out of this state.
• ...learn to repair basic things around the house, like the sink, or the garbage disposal
• a pocket sized death ray (I just need the bluray close...I ♥ ihacked)
• ...learn some form of real partner dancing
• ...start cooking my own meals more, rather than relying on TV dinners, fast food, and things that don't require more than a slice of bread, peanut butter, or a microwave.
• ...own clothing that I'm proud of, that's classy, and not four years old.
• ...not feel ashamed anymore that I didn't move back home because I couldn't afford it, but because I didn't like living alone, and despite all the problems I have with my parents, I'm happiest when I'm there with them. My step mom is one of my best friends, and when I can afford things here, I can help my dad pay for more things...I know I need to move out on my own, but I get so depressed when I'm by myself, and I have nothing but the silence. I don't want to move out again, unless I have someone I can move into a place with. I'm not cut out to be by myself.
• ...finally stop feeling like I have something to prove to the family that has disowned me because of my sexuality
• ...admit that maybe I'm not completely lesbian, and that I do like some guys, but only the perfect guys in magazines and romance novels, and I know that there are none of them in real's okay to be open to both sexes, even if I do prefer women. Winding up with a man would not be "betraying the cause" of homosexual rights, and would not be admitting that "you can change your sexual preference". I will never stop liking girls. But if I fall in love with some perfect man out of a magazine...I shouldn't sacrifice that or my happiness to prove a point.
• ...stop thinking about my crazy, bulimic, lying ex, who stole so many years of my life, dragged me into a god given cult, and is slowly destroying the lives of herself, her husband, her child, and their friends
• ...stop fantasizing about running into them when I'm skinny and beautiful so I can prove how much better my life is without that group.
• ...learn how to talk to people and be more relaxed about it, and not be terrified of social situations
• ...get over my terror of places like clubs and bars
• ...stop cancelling on friends I haven't seen in years because I'm too ashamed for them to see me, when they've never known me as skinny as I am now...just because I still think I'm fat.
• ...have more days like today, where I actually stop to stare at myself in the mirror, because I realize that I am pretty...I'm really...really pretty.... I'm beautiful. Days where, for a moment, I can't do anything but sort of stare at my reflection, because I can't believe it's me.
• ...relearn either the piano or the saxophone - my fingers are too small for the guitar
• ...feel like I finally have my life together, and I'm proud of who I turned out to be.
• ...finally feel worthy of a female's attention.
• ...never hear a girl tell me again, "You're...not my type. You're a bit bigger than my normal type."
• a 10k or half marathon
• ...remember what it's like to smile around a group of people and actually mean it
• ...finally admit to all the terrible lies and things I've done...and have someone believe them.
• ...finally admit that what he did to me when I was younger switches between being comforting, horrifying, and arousing
• ...admit that the friend who died never existed...that my mind was so fucked up and I just needed sympathy...that it was my way of trying to get attention, because I couldn't tell anybody what really happened to me
• ...feel innocent again
• ...remember something from my childhood, that I haven't made up, where I actually felt like a child, and felt innocent and loved.
• ...find the teacher who shared her lunch with me in fourth grade when my mom never showed up, and who inadvertently, through that one act, stopped me from killing myself when I was older.
• able to look at my mother's family without wondering if they remember what he did, knowing that still none of them believe me.
• able to look at my mother's family without wondering if they remember what he did, and worried they think that's the reason I'm gay.
• free of my past
• ...feel ready to face the future
• ...feel worthy of friends
• ...feel worthy of living
• worthy of all the chances I've gotten, and all the people who love me
• ...finally live


  1. How do you comment on a post that is honest, truthful & deep? There were so many items on your goal list that I related to. So many. Wow. The fear of clubs & bars, the fear of meeting up with people from your past... just to name a few.
    Now that you've made your list of goals how do you plan on reaching them?
    Really great post.

  2. This... is touching in its honesty, it's rawness, its truth. Reading this struck a cord in me, and kind of made me go into a bit of my own introspection and brooding. Which is probably a good thing.. I dunno, I didn't sleep again last night so my mind is everywhere to begin with.

    But, I guess I want to say thank you, for sharing with us, for being open. For being you. xx

  3. This post made me wordless. I started to think about my own life and the way I live it. I can really relate to many of the things you mentioned too. Thanks for sharing!


  4. wow. your honesty and authenticity in this post are mindblowing. i want to comment on each of your points but that would take forever and be really annoying for you to read, i'm sure :)

    there are 2 points i want to address though... first of all, if you want to learn to play the guitar, then you effing do it. i know children who play full-sized guitars. i am petite, like you, and for a long time i believed the same thing, that i couldn't play guitar because my hands are so small. this is absolutely not true!!! you might not play the way people with larger hands would play, but if you want to play, then you give it a shot, baby! you will find a way to make your music.

    secondly... i think sexual orientation exists in millions of shades of grey. i am by definition hetero. but love is love, and i have had the odd crush on a girl. it isn't unforseeable that i might fall in love with a woman... i really think its about loving a person, not a pussy or a cock. sorry if that sounds vulgar. love who you want to love, honey.

    if you haven't seen Chasing Amy... well, just see it then :)

  5. wow.
    i cant even.... say anythng..
    even if i could talk right now my words would eb drowned out by my bawling omg like...
    i really wish you were my next door neighbor. you seem like the most awesomest person. and we kind of might have a lot in common with the fears of people and making stuff up when you were little and like... maybe some other things.
    lots of things.
    thank you for posting this, it made me take a step outside of myself, and really look into myself i guess, instead of focusing on whats outside.
    its really interesting to see whats on the inside sometimes, because from the outside you can never tell.
    you are so amazing, you know that?
    stay strong <333

  6. Wow, that list is amazing. You should print in and hang it someplace as a reminder of your wants/needs/goals and as the days pass slowly realize that you are getting closer to those goals every step you take, every breathe you make and each morning as you awake.

    Congrats on the professional blogging!
    Congrats on getting into the trainer program!

    I love that you use humor and sillyness to cheer yourself up when you are down as opposed to wallowing in it (really, it's good of you) accept you should be nicer to yourself and read the one on the list about how bee-you-tee-full you truly are!!

    You're Amazing, always remember that. :)

  7. I don't know you and you don't know me. But in this "role playing computer universe"...

    I think you're beautiful.

    You wanna practice on MY car? haha

  8. you are amazing

    sometimes admitting the things you want is the most difficult step because it also requires acknowledging the effort it will take to achieve them and the possibility of failure, but there is no doubt in my mind you can accomplish all of these.

  9. Oh oh oh. I don't have to articulateness right now to tell you how I feel about this post ♥

    Don't worry, you'll catch the next photo lol. I'll send you a comment when I post it.

    My mum has always been skinny though. She was only 100 lbs when she was pregnant with me :O

    I wish I could transfer my extra 42 pounds to her. She needs it more than I do. hah.

    I believe in you too; always have :]

  10. I love your list. I wish I had something more profound to say other than that, but for some reason, I am at a loss for words. How beautiful of you to have such a list.

  11. hey pretty... i'd like to take you up on your offer. if you don't wanna post your email addy, that's fine. there is a link to my email on my profile, send me a hello and i'll get your address that way.

    thanks for your wonderful words... you rock.

  12. Amazing. I just stumbled on your blog

  13. I posted a photo - I think I'm going to leave it up for a couple days so hopefully you won't miss it :]

  14. Add me to that list of friends pleeeeeeeeease!

    You should like Starved. I lovelovelove skins but it does have quite a bit of drama in it lol.

  15. Chocolate soymilk is my love lol
    I stopped drinking real milk about 6 months ago, and I'm sure my cholesterol has dropped significantly.

    woohooooooo! I cannot wait for that day to get here :]]]]]
    You just tell me how it's gonna go down when the time nears ♥