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Saturday, August 8, 2009

Now you're back with dope demand...

So my ipod is showing that sad face with the exclamation point next to it, meaning there's a hardware problem, and when I plug it into my computer, it says "please wait, battery is very low," and then does the same thing. It was starting to lag and freeze up when I would try to flip through songs on my shuffle function, so I think that there's something wrong with the power supply. The hard drive seemed to be running fine on it. I'm going to drive it out to the Apple store sometime this week (it's a 50 minute drive away) and see how much it'd cost to get it repaired, since it's out of warranty. And then I'm going to ask to watch, because I would rather know how to fix it myself.

Though thanks to you guys and your brilliance...I remembered a very wonderful thing.

I have a Samsung Omnia.

8gigs of music playing free space. I already have two movies on there, and I grabbed out my adapter for my headphones, hooked that thing up, and loaded up a bunch of Bright Eyes and Everlast, and was able to get ready for work with a smile on my little face. It was amazing.

And I magically lost a pound. Go figure, right?

I made breakfast when I got home from work. I was starving, and I decided to make something light and sweet, so I made some crepes. I used a little less butter and mostly margerine, and instead of sugar, I threw in a few drops of pure vanilla extract. They're normally about 70 calories a piece, but I think sans sugar and with the lower fat butter, I knocked them down to about 50. Served it with a bit of powdered sugar and a light touch of low fat chocolate syrup spread in a very, very light layer on top for a grand total of about 65 a piece. I had three of them, and my family devoured the rest. They were so good. Better than the original recipe for them that I had.
Also, instead of cooking them in oil, I used a light butter flavored spray, which is 0 calories. I always say it's adds at least 5 though XD But still.

Then my nephew, who's 10, decided he wanted to cook for us, so he made burgers. I resisted, because it's not very unknown that if I eat before bed I always wake up sick, and he chased me out with a spatula when he saw me watching him cook XD And when I woke up today, I went from being 138 yesterday morning, to 137 today. I was sort of all O.O about it. I haven't even been able to work out because of my fucking leg.

Oh, and my car is also broken, so until I get my breaks fixed, I can't drive out to the gym anyway :(

Hopefully C and I can do that tomorrow.

I did eat a burger. My nephew calls them him his Bunny Burgers, and he had it waiting for me when I woke up. He said he made me breakfast because I made him breakfast, and I'm sorry, but any ED can fuck itself when faced with that cuteness. I'll probably regret it later, but I think the gained pound, while it'llmake me angry and depressed later, is worth it when it comes to him. He was so proud of himself. It was the first meal he's ever cooked and I couldn't tell him no.

Besides, with a meal like that, I barely have appetite for the rest of the day. I'll probably have a few grapes and maybe some crackers before crashing out, and I'm NOT supposed to be counting calories anyway for a bit. UGH. Why can't I help myself???

Now I'm going nuts about eating it. I hate obsessing.

I think the biggest part is not being able to work out. While the scale is going down, I feel like my body is melting. Like...the muscles are turning soft, and my legs are getting fatter. I know it's all in my mind - I'm imagining things undoubtedly. But it doesn't change that I'm still SEEING it that way.

My step mom gave me a pair of jeans that haven't fit her in 10 years. They're...the greatest things I've ever put on me. They fit like a glove, and hug my legs, and make them look GOOD. And they're low rises, and have these weird pockets in the front that look like they should be back pockets, and the back pockets are shallow slits. They're old but they're perfect and soft and buttery, like good denim should be. But they're already getting baggy. They were tight when I first got them. I think it's just the denim stretching out as I wear them. I'll know after I wash them again.

Not that I'm complaining, though I sort of am. It sucks, in a weird way, to wind up finding the perfect pair of pants and then for them to no longer be perfect in a week or so. Awesome, but not. Double edged sword there XD
I'd rather be skinny, because then I can really buy REAL clothes.


Every now and then I start writing something really personal for you guys, and I want to share it, but I don't. I think part of it is...well, it's not ED related. It's about my childhood, actually. I was kidnapped, and I sort of want to babble about it, because I feel like it's a really fucked up story. But I think it might help some people, or at least I hope it will. I mean, it's not really depressing.

It's just different. Because when you hear "I was kidnapped" people think terrible things, but I think the part that makes it so...fucked up? Is that it wasn't like that at all. It was one of the coolest things that ever happened when I was little, despite what was done while I was there, and it confuses the hell out of my shrinks XD

I just feel like it's important for some reason, you know? Like...I really want to tell someone...and not have it be anyone who knows who I am, because I've never really said anything about it. Nothing real, anyway.

Bah. I'll think about it.

♥ ILU all. Stay strong, lovies.


  1. I'd like to hear your kidnapping story :) I have a suicide story on my blog (ha ha!) and I was thinking of posting a kidnapping story of my own - yours, I'm sure, is much better.

    Ha! What a bunch of silly things to say to you today..

    Keep up the good work! And loving your nephew can't be considered cheating, no way, man.

  2. I love when you talk about a lot. Makes me feel like I really got a good bit of things done reading a post.

    Please talk about your story when you feel like it. Those are always my favorite posts, and lord knows my blog is filled with them.

  3. I want to know about this story.
    It sounds crazy.

    And how adorable about your nephew. I wouldnt be able to say no either. :)

  4. I know I, personally, would love to hear your story. I know it's an "ED Community" and all but I really love it when people talk about other aspects of their lives as well, it make people more...real or something.

    There is so so much more to each of us than Eating Disorders and an obsession with being thin.

  5. I love when people share about themselves and it's not ED related! It sounds like such an interesting story too....
    I'm sorry about your ipod and car! That's terrible both are shot : ( I hope you can get them fixed <3
    And I don't blame you for not saying no to your nephew ; )

    Stay strong <3

  6. I know this isn't a happy post but I have to say how super psyched I was to see placebo lyrics as your title