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Saturday, August 15, 2009

Queen Fatty of Lardassia


Fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat.

I look in the mirror. Grab handfuls of it.
Fatty fat Mc. Fatterson. Fat Face McGee
Lady Fattybum of Lardybootius.

I hate myself.

I'm officially in a program to become a personal trainer. NASM, the premier certification training you can get. I start my course (an online one) tonight. Then I have to beg my trainer to let me shadow him. I need to understand this stuff so I can get lose my own weight faster. So I can push myself until I am skin and bones and skin and bones and skiiiiiiiin and bones. Skinny Skinny Skinny.

Not fat.

My legs? Could crush Tokyo.
If I wore shorts and ran through Japan, people would run for cover thinking a shaved King Kong had crossed the ocean from New York to take hunt down Godzilla....

...a very short, very rotund King Kong.

Maybe a descaled Godzilla.

Now I have that "GODZILLA" yell from the original, badly dubbed movie, in my head.

Also, on "Sell this House" they're beating a table with a chain to make it look "Distressed". I want to do that now. Too bad my table is glass.

I'm wiggling the fat on my arms. I'm sticking out my hands off to the side, and wiggling my arms, and watching the fat go "Jiggle jiggle jiggle jiggle".

Jiggle jiggle.

I can do it to the tune of the commercials on TV.

Also, I found a website that tells you how to say "Oh my God! There's an axe in my head!" in over 100 languages.
Just had to share that awesomeness.

I am going to go stare at my fat more.



  1. I know you probably don't mean this post to be funny, but it makes me laugh.

    Hi. I'm Nia.

    I have been glued to your blog since last Saturday. Yup, right when you stopped posting for a time (seemed like FOR-EVER! I nearly shit myself when you started posting again! Hehe.

    So there you go.

    Maybe we can make a arm jiggle video and become Youtube superstars?

  2. Awe : / I'm sorry you are feeling so down <3 But I know you can do it! especially becoming a personal trainer, you'll be able to work out so much. And you've lost so much already, I know you can lose even more ; )
    Stay strong <3

  3. Im in a similar fatty mcfat fatass mood too. This mood sucks.
    Congrats on the training thing, that is awesome!

  4. I'm sorry, but didn't you use to weigh over 200 lbs? And now you are at (or below, or around) 139?

    Um... yeah... You're NOT fat.

  5. Three words: I.. LOVE.. YOU!!!

    Best post I've come across in SO long, your hilariously dark humor has made my day.

    Have you ever thought of creative writing as a pastime? I think you would publish wonderful stories. You're very insightful when it comes to displaying deep emotions with humor.

    Good luck in your journey ^_^

  6. I had the same moment this morning,
    fat, everywhere. fuck.
    we can do this (:

  7. hahaha
    yeah, i'm fat too lol we should run through japan together!
    sorry that just sounded liek fun...
    ily stay strong!!

  8. Omg, that is sheer awesomeness. What better information to put in your head than how to say that! And.. are there 100 different languages? =/ Perhaps I am ignorant.

    And I totally know what you mean by being able to grab the fat and shit.. Like I hate it. =( I am sad everytime I do it, and I do it often. I looked into becoming a personal trainer and I totally think I could do it. =) Good luck to you babydoll!

  9. Link? lol

    I'll be the godzilla to your king kong... <3