Friday, May 21, 2010
Anorexia and the Zombie Apocalypse: How It Can Help
How Anorexia/ED will benefit you in the impending Zombie Apocalypse.
1. When food stores run dry, you will already be used to going for long periods of time without eating and maintaining a high level of functionality, giving you a leg up over your more bloated counterparts.
2. When the need for food becomes desperate, the obese will be eaten by their fellow humans first. (read: nobody wants a skinny cow.)
3. You will be able to find hiding places easier in the rubble of civilization, squeezing into smaller holes.
4. Less clothing to keep you covered, making it easier to find items for warmth.
5. While zombies may be slow, their endurance is killer. You'll be able to run faster to get away over longer distances, while our fatter counterparts can only huff and puff sprint a few feet before collapsing into a sweaty pile of zombie-feast.
6. You'll be able to stay cooler, longer, in the radioactive heat of the unnatural summer.
7. You'll be able to find more clothes that fit during the radioactive, frozen, unnatural winters.
8. If you're already skin and bones, you can rub yourself in dirty and head exploded zombies, and blend in with the enemy horde in the event of being surrounded.
9. You can fit through smaller windows, air ducts, and holes, in order to find shelter in abandoned buildings.
10. Packs of feral dogs will be less likely to find you delicious.
11. There will be no electricity to power your hoover round scooter.
12. You'll already have good gym clothes/durable shoes to assist in a speedy escape from the undead, brain hungry hordes.
13. You won't have a hard time reaching behind you to pull out your gun in order to shoot a member of said horde in the face.
14. You won't have as much of a distance to pull said gun when performing said killing action.
15. Unlike our more rotund counterparts, you will not have the smell that comes from sweat gathering in your fat roles to lure the zombie masses to your hiding spot, or draw the attention of wild, ravenous beasts.
16. You'll most likely be used to strenuous bouts of exercise.
17. When you are infected with the post apocalyptic super bug, it'll be okay--you'll be used to throwing up that often. And besides, your body is trained to function on depleted nutrients, thereby allowing you to ride it out.
18. Unlike the average decadence of the typical person, those with ED's are used to deprivation and control, giving us that extra one-up in the adjustment period, meaning we're used to being denied of even the most primitive and basic of comforts.
19. When fossil fuel stores have run out, we'll already be used to walking from place to place.
20. Those with ED's already have a decided lack of self preservation, making us more risky, determined, ruthless, and demanding on our bodies, giving us that extra drive required to not only survive, but thrive, when the Zombie Apocalypse comes.
So there you have it.
The most convincing argument I have ever written as to why my ED is helpful, essential, and a good method of planning for the future.
How will YOUR current lifestyle prepare you for the impending Zombie Apocalypse?
Off topic, and not as humorous, but I think one of my clients is being abused by her husband. If not physically, then emotionally.
I'm trying to decide how to handle this, or if it's even my place.
I need to talk to my boss tomorrow and see what he says.