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Friday, May 14, 2010

Screaming PrettyWreck, sleepiness, and novels

I have to say,
having a full and complete all out nervous breakdown is more tiring than I thought it would be.

I wanted to write something poetic about it. But let's be honest--I don't have the greatest talent with words, anyway, much less when I'm trying. I feel like I spew random verbs, nouns, adverbs, and other structural components all over the page (with some random punctuation thrown in--add a prayer that I'm using it all in the proper order and format--blend on high 24 seconds and bake!) and hope it makes sense.
My head doesn't make sense, most of the time, though!

But yeah, onto the nervous break down I had. Kazehana is my new hero, because she txt'ed me all through it. I wound up screaming in my car, then laughing and sobbing at the same time. Hyperventilated myself straight to nearly passing out, and found myself in the middle of a community counseling center being rushed in as a crisis case, and about a hairs breadth away from being committed. I wasn't full out suicidal--I was just...falling. I've been falling. And today it hit. Hard. Like, all of the emotions that have been building and building behind the dam of mind since I was a little girl just crashed out, and I was going to drown. I've never felt anything so completely overwhelming, and by the time i was at the center, I really did think I was going to die. I was so utterly cold and dizzy, and logically, I knew I was breathing too much, but it was so miserable and terrifying and I couldn't fathom that it would ever, ever get better. But as soon as I forced myself did. It eventually faded, and I realized I was okay, and that it was all in my head.
Which is rather symbolic, isn't it?

I feel better now. I'm going to be seeing a therapist now, I think, and she's not going to make me go to one that works only with Eating Disorders. Quite the contrary. Unlike every other place I've attempted, this one actually thinks it's the underlying issues that are more pressing and need to be addressed. Like the fact that I panic at the idea of being touched, or that I was in a cult where the leader still stalks me, and I'm not comfortable using my real name and still can't go to certain parts of town without constantly looking over my shoulder to see if they're there or not....
...all the little things that drive me up a wall, like my fear of anyone getting close. My insecurity. All the things in my past. It's not the food that's driving me insane.
It's everything that the food is hiding.

So I'm happy with that.
I don't want to talk about my eating habits.
I want to talk about the things that are underneath. The monsters that got exposed as I stripped away the layers and layers of fat that kept them imprisoned.
Maybe when I tackle those demons, I'll feel more comfortable worrying about tackling what I shove in my gob.

On another note, I'm now thoroughly tired. And according to my body bugg, my nervous breakdown constituted as a 30 minute bout of moderate exercise.
Which is, quite honestly, awesome.

So, you guys don't need to worry about me. I'm doing better, and I'm going to hopefully be going to a therapist, because if I can't, I don't know what's going to happen to me. I don't know what's going on in my head, but I know I need help. I can't run from my past anymore, or the terrible things from it that keep weighing me down. And this crush has proven that. The fact that I am so overwhelmed and terrified by just feeling like I have a sexual attraction to someone? That it moves me that violently? Is a sign that I'm really, really fucked up. Because most people can find someone sexy, and not have it devestate their world.
But when sex is to you what it is to me?
When it leaves you as vulnerable?
When it makes you feel as weak?
As afraid?
When the idea of intimacy = vulnerability = pain?
Not very cool.

Also, I lost 4 pounds yesterday. Part water weight, but the rest i chock up to the BodyBugg making me HYPER FREAKING AWARE of every move I made.
I burned off something like 2800 calories yesterday, and ate only 750. So...yaaay!
I'm at 1398 burned today, and 37 consumed.
I'll be happy just getting up to like, 1700, because I don't think I have the energy--mentally or physically--to work out tonight.
I just need a good, long sleep.
126.6 to 122.6 today.

Take that, binges.
(Please don't come back and make me eat again!)

Also, iluall so hard.
Thank you so much for all of your support.
I never realize how much I need someone until I read your comments and don't feel so alone anymore. I hope one day I can meet at least some of you in person! It would be fantastic.
I...well...fuck it.
If anyone plans a vacation to Northern Arizona, Las Vegas, or certain parts of LA, let me know. I'll just say--I live somewhere VERY close to that general proximity, and it would be awesome to actually know people IRL who go through this, too.



(PS: I've started on a book--a Mea Culpa, aka, memoire, aka random story thing that's written in a very odd way, about a person with eating I'll have it finished by the end of the year, and then maybe I'll try and publish it, or just do self publishing. Either way, I'll keep you all updated!)


  1. sweeeet. the book sounds cool. &congrats on 122.6. keep it up. stay strong, lovely lady.


  2. beeeeeeeeee LOVE

    i'ma comin to LA.

    and i have to say it;
    holy fuck a cult! you were in a cult! oh my god! i find such things intriguing.

    also you do have a way with words, in my opinion. would i borrow the blender you use?

    anywho. loveyoulove.

  3. Well sometime... hopefully next year. As I live all the way in Australia and wantttt to travel next year. I'll just go round the world and sleep in different bloggers houses haha.

    But really though I am nawwt sure. I certainly shan't be doing so this year though. I'd love to meet up with some people though.. hmm.. damn isolated home.

  4. *please check my blog*
    I gave you one of my Beautiful Blogger Awards!

    keep up the great job, stay strong and smiLe!!!

    love, annamaria :)

  5. Ahhh you are near Las Vegas! I used to live there (back in elementary school times).

    I love your words. I can't wait to read your book.

  6. I live in the Uk :( Sunny sunny :L

    Well done on the weight loss.

    I think it's good you have a therapist, they can really help! Mine helped me sort out my weird dad problems :)

    Good luck xoxo

  7. Damn girl.

    You've been through a lot, and I'm glad you're getting help. I hope it works out for you!

    ilu too!!!

    And on a random note, is the BodyBugg that you use the thing from The Biggest Loser?

  8. hey I just found your blog and you have a way with words. You're style reminds me of Mayra Hornbachers books, Wasted & Madness.
    I spent 11months in a residential treatment facility. I found myself there. Being open to new ways of looking at situations, memories, fears is never a bad thing. You control your weight, but you can still improve your mind :-) Good luck!!

  9. Hey, I hope you're doing well, I nominated you for a beautiful blog award!!

  10. ohmygod a book? That sounds lovely. And congrats on losing 4 pounds

  11. I'm glad you're getting some help. I've been worried about you.

    Much love and kisses.

  12. I definately wish you good luck with the therapy. I (as you probably have heard a million times) am TOTALLY supportive of an issues-before-ED approach. Or at least at the same time. We'll all keep sending you good vibes.

    And awesome about the novel...we all see you write and enjoy it, so I'm sure a longer piece would be meaningful!

    Ironically, I am going to Vegas in August.