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Monday, May 17, 2010

Hungry Hungry Hippos.

In my head I have the tune to the Badger Dance song (Badger-badger-badger-badger-badger-MUSHROOM MUSHROOM!), but the words are different. "Hungry hungry hungry hungry hungry hungry hungry hungry hungry hungry--DON'T BINGE DON'T BINGE!"

I even got the little dance goin' on. I am AWESOME.

Managed to not gain a huge amount, and I'm about a week out from my period's start. I'm tired, starving, and I know I'm close to my period, because my hormones are going nuts, and I'm restricting and exercising, but gaining. I'm only at 123.4 this morning. But after my period, if I stay strong, there's a chance I can ride the quick-loss-train down into the teens, again. HOORAH! I want to be 122 at least by the end of this month. And I want to be 117 by the end of June.
But I won't think that far ahead. Because then I'll be depressed that I'm not losing faster.


I got two client's this weekend at the gym, and made a killing in sales. Well...I didn't do it alone. That's what I like about that place. It was a team thing. Everything I get confused on, other people are there to help me get answers to, and make me not-look-stupid. They're all fantastic, and I told one guy I owed him oral sex, but since the Jew in me can't eat pork, I'd have to give him pie instead.

Fun part?
My first official client is restrictive eating disorder with exercise-purging tendencies.

Uuuuhm.....hello irony?
she doesn't admit it, and I don't think she knows it. But I'm carefully monitoring her diet to make sure she eats over 1300 calories a day at minimum, while burning about 2000. She's super active, so it's not hard to get her there, but yeah.
On Sunday was her intake. I sat there lecturing her about the dangers of malnutrition and under eating, and then I had to go Wendy's. Got a Chicken To Go wrap, because I was eating with boss and HotPants, and then after I ate it, I promptly went into the bathroom and tried to purge it out. It didn't work. But this was after sitting there working on a plan with my boss on how to curb her disordered behavior. "This purging thing she's doing with exercise is dangerous...."
Then promptly trying to purge a chicken dish.
Followed by an over hour long bout of intense cardio, and a forty five minute bout of Hoola Hooping.
And being pissed i went over 700 calories.

Excuse me while I go have sex with my hypocrisy.
But as a friend says--I'm really good at giving advice, just not very good at taking it.

This whole training thing is exhausting. Not because of the physical activity demands. But because there's no such thing as a day off. I spend my time literally with all hours at the gym. I have to switch my personality to accommodate every person who walks through the door, and every client. Even the most subtle changes to ensure I'm behaving in a way that brings out only the best in them. I can never be tired, never be down, never be anything but energetic, outgoing, bubbly, quick witted, and with answers at the ready. I have to be the person constantly in control, with no doubt or question of my own abilities, ready with not just a Plan A, but a Plan B, C, D, and E, and I have to never, ever, ever act in a way that gives anybody around me even a single moment to question my authority or confidence in myself, as it will lead them to questioning both.

Do you know how much that takes out of you?

A lot. I'll tell you that. It's a lot. It's more than I ever thought possible.
I never understood what people meant when they say that it gets draining to wear a mask all the time, but now I get it. I feel like I'm giving myself bipolar, to be honest. I spend so much time pretending, that when I'm done, I just crumple.

I'm looking to get another job so I can quit my security one. All I want is something easy, where I get paid good tips, don't have to be an authority, or have any control really. Where it's mostly mindless, fast paced, and the hours go by. I want to work as a server at a sports bar or something. Get good tips in three or four days of work (hopefully only three), and give myself more time to not only train, but to have a social life again. If I could just...have that time where I don't need to think? Don't need to function? Just...let my body do the tricks?
I could do that.
It would be a relief.

I got offered a job at a place that's called a Male Pampering Botique. Some people call it a whore house, but unlike most in that area, it's not really a whore house. All it is, is a place where guys go and get the company of sexy women, get served drinks, get hand fed food, and have a girl they can talk to. My job would be to sit in a window and lure people in, most of the time just watching movies and hanging out. Then, when a client comes, I'd bring him something to drink (it's no alcohol), take him through the gym, sit in a bikini with him in the steam room, or else go back to a private room to give him a massage, hand feed him some fruits, and just be there to listen to him talk. All of the rooms are "open air", meaning that if I made a noise for help, it would come and QUICK, and they're all monitored, to make sure nothing untoward happens. I know one of the guards there, and he says that they just lost a girl, and that I would get "eaten up" because I'm "so short, and so skinny" and it would "be a serious draw for most of the guys who go there". To me, I have no problem with it. Especially considering that working one weekend? I could make $1000. Granted, a lot of guys THINK it's a whore house until they realize there's no happy ending but...fuck that. You know what? If I could work there just for six months, and make something like $4000/month, and pay off not just my bills, but also for my newest certifications, and also a boob job? I need one so bad. I would feel so much better about myself if my tits weren't as terrible as they are. But a boob job, and maybe get the skin on my arms, legs, and stomach tightened.... Hm. I'd need, for the breasts and skin, about $30,000.
So...$2000/month toward bills. I'd have the money in 15 months. Plus, I would be getting more at my training job as I get better certs and get more clients (If I work 60 only hours a month that would be $840/month). So actually, in about a year I'd have the money to pay for it all up front. And most places will just cut off about $10k if you pay upfront for all services.

I hope I get the job.
I seriously do. Because then, fuck, I could even do something else like phone sex, which they have a place for that down a few doors from it. And that pays something like $500 for two days worth of work at only like, 4 hours a day. So yeah. It's not the most glamorous, but I'm at that point in life where all I want is to have money, and pay for school. It's not like I'm going to be letting people touch me, and if pervs want to throw away their hard earned cash for something like that?
That's not my problem.
And if I could be earning $6000/month for less than 24 hours of work a week, not including my trainer job (which would put me around $6700/month), I'd be earning almost as much as my dad. I could pay for my surgery, pay off my bills, get my car fixed, go back to school, put a good amount into savings, and yeah.

Things would be fucking great.

So let's hope I get it.
Because let's just be honest, you guys.
A girl has to do what a girl has to do.
And I'd rather be doing that than stripping. Or else be working minimum wage for the rest of my life praying that I can afford school one day.


  1. I hope you get it too! It sounds like a good job :) Good luck!

  2. That sounds like a great job! I wish I could do that...not to sound like a wannabe whore or anything, but the idea of selling "company" instead of sex is really appealing to me. It doesn't sound degrading, and even if it involves putting on a front to please a man, don't we all put on fronts to please the world every day?

  3. Om nom nom, irony sandwich >.< Do they sell irony sandwiches at Wendys? 0.0

    I'm seriously considering stripping or whoring myself out to make enough money to cover my tuition and med bills atm. NOT fun!!

    Oh god, now I have the Badgers in my head dancing and singing 'hungry hungry' in the Weeble voices D: You are EVIL!! EVIL I TELL YA!!

  4. I am seriously considering phone sex operator because I am sick of my two jobs running me ragged! I hear that's great money for tons less work!
    Hey whatever it takes to get by ladies!!! I say go for it!
    It's funny, I work at a gym too.. and we always preach to the girls the dangers of eating disorders... and here I am, a parent and figure there... with a freaking problem.... I hate that I'm a two faced bitch... Oh well....

  5. weeeeeeeee good luck.

    ohhhh i want to binge. oh no. don't do it. oh self.

    but you rock. i hope you get that job too just because it would be so interesting to hear about.

    and i love the irony ed girl. which may be rude of me but it is so interesting.

  6. i hope you get the job! good luck girl. do what you got to do!!!
    haha loved your irony girl.

  7. I'd totally do it too, but I think husband might have a prob with it. May I can be sneeky and tell him it's really telemarketing? haha.

  8. Good luck, hope you get it!
    Also, whilst reading this post I had "Hungry, Hungry, Hungry.. Don't binge, don't binge!"
    Thats genius! Haha! xxx

  9. you'd be like a bikini geisha...sounds interesting.