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Friday, May 7, 2010

...then it hit me that, yeah, I am gonna die...

Change directions.
Change directions.

Back, forth, back, forth.
Suicides in the backyard; one two three, stop, one two three, stop, one two three four, stop, one two three four, stop.
Back forth, back, forth, backforthbackforth, faster, faster, heart pounding, full cycle, start again. One, two, one, one, two, stop. Pushups, 25, quick, quick, no waiting. Launch bottom half off ground, handstand to back bend, too weak for full hand stand, too unpracticed for graceful moves, land hard, back to pushups, suicides again.

....left arm goes numb.
Knees give out.
Kiss of cold concrete.

Fifteen minutes is all I got.
My fingers are purple.
My chest got tight.
I thought I was having a heart attack.
I'm past the point of hunger.
My body aches but I feel no pain in my stomach.
Diet pills, adderall, caffeinne, and water, quell the need to eat. My body screams it's effects. I'm fighting another infection that could go to kidneys, rationing my various left over antibiotics so I don't have to go to the doctor. I'm dizzy often, my knees are always hurting, my legs always weak. I'm running on borrowed energy, dropping weight like crazy, and I no longer care.

It's like for a while there, the promise of treatment alone was enough to make me try to get better. The hope of help was enough to inspire me to eat.

Now it's gone.
And it's like I'm too afraid to try anymore.

Eating no longer bothers me.
The migraines no longer scare me.
The fear of hunger pains are gone.
I am not depressed by this, though I should be.
I am not fully terrified of this, though I should be.

I think that I will become another statistic. I see this in myself. Another one of the many that die from related complications from thsi sort of disease. I'll never be the 60lb's that will send people into fear. But it will be subtle. Laying there, fearing a heart attack, I realized, yeah, yeah, this will probably kill me if I keep going.
But that didn't bother me.
What bothered me was that I didn't have the strength to get up and keep running through the pain in my chest.
That my legs wouldn't listen when I told them more.

It happened before.
But this time, I didn't cry because I wanted to stop.
I just got angry because I wanted to keep going.

I need to start working out more, if all I can do is fifteen minutes high intensity before thinking I'm going to have a heart attack.

Obviously, I fail.

My head is very sick.
Dear new readers:
Don't be inspired by me.
It's like finding the sight of a burning monk a beautiful thing, and lighting yourself on fire in tribute. It's morbid. You're watching someone die. And all your admiration will get you is a quick eruption into that same hellish inferno.


I'm gonna go collapse now, and ponder ways to get an inhaler, or to try and find a way to buy some nitro tabs, in case, you know, I really do have a heart attack...or if this is actually a precurser to that dreaded thing.

PS, psych appointment on Monday.
I weigh 10 pounds less than last time, not that it'll matter.
All he can do is give me more pills, and if he cuts me off, I'll ahve to find someone else.
They can't help me. I can't afford their help.
So they can't even give it.
It's okay, though.
They're used to turning a blind eye as their patients burn.

Like the symbol of the pheonix.
Only we starve away until there's nothing left to resurrect--nothing but fine ashes scattered to the wind.


  1. OMG hun. Thats deep. what are you eating? Maybe increase your intake slightly to in able you to exercise longer?...


  2. I want to sit on you to make you rest. Read into that what you will :p

    (I've been meaning to ask, what on EARTH is a zune?)

  3. Oh babes! Please don't give up. Please try and stay as healthy as possible. Please, please, please.

    You remind me so much of my friend. She suffered from anorexia and she now weighs 98lbs. She is beautiful but she doesn't care about life. That's what makes her ugly.

    Because whatever happens, you still have to hang on to life, because this is the only chance you get to do wonderful things. Don't screw it up. Keep going, do everything you want to do. Travel and laugh and dance.

    Just please don't give up. Do as many things as possible. Keep going, because life is short anyways. Please.

    I want to give you a big hug, travel all the way over to wherever you are, even if it takes me forever just to give you the biggest hug ever.

  4. wow scary post.
    I really hope you are feeling a bit better now.
    i am with you in my mind.


  5. If you can't help yourself, have you thought of helping someone else before you die?

    Joining some group that helps feed the starving in africa? Maybe being involved in the other side of the coin, the people who are suffering just like you (hard physical labor with no food) involuntarily and dying involuntarily would give your life some meaning.

    Why be a statistic? If you have nothing to lose, why not die saving someone else?

    No judgments. Only <3<3.

  6. please don't hurt yourself :( if you want to get an inhaler, just go to the doctor and tell them your chest gets really tight when you exercise (lightly!) and it feels like you can't breathe, and they'll probably say something about exercise induced asthma and give you one. albuterol is a miracle drug.
    if you're exercising that madly you should eat at least a little something. it'll help so so much and doesn't mean you'll gain. promise.
    the phoenix rises up from the ashes. keep that in mind.
    you're in my thoughts. xo.

  7. self destruction is never as glamourous as it seems in magazines...

    the rot and ruin don't look as good when seen without a distortion filter and a blue lense.

    I hope you'll find that one day, the urge to burn yourself to ashes gives rise to the urge to thrive and flourish.

  8. An amazing post! very deep and descriptive.
    It felt as though I was watching a movie, like I was actually there when it all happened. You are a great writer.
    I hope that you are feeling much better and pray that you will find strength in your weakness!

  9. I've given you a beautiful blogger award on my blog, simply because I think you're writing is beautiful, your cause is beautiful, and you're beautiful.

    Sometimes reading your blog is the only thing that can get me through the day.


  10. I'm worried. I love your writing, and even though I don't actually know you, I feel close to you from reading your honest, passionate words.

    Be careful. Send me an e-mail if you need someone to talk to. Seriously. It's on my profile.

    <3 you