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Thursday, May 6, 2010

Why are you shaking?

123.4 today.

I'm kind of scared to go into work.
Because yesterday, something happened, and I'm not sure how to cope.

I felt something.

Ridiculous, isn't it? But if you've followed me at all, you know...I'm kind of numb. I feel things at a different level from people. It hits, and then it's gone. Nothing rattles me, or really knocks me off kilter. It's like, I feel self loathing, but the hatred never sinks in. I feel attraction, but it's like a surface cut--itches a bit, then fades completely. I see people as hot. I see them as fun to play with for a few days. And then they're gone. Total unattachment.

It's part of what a therapist believed was Borderline Personality Disorder brought on by Trauma, or even could be some PTSD. Is it strange to say that? My last relationship pushed me so severely over the edge of my already tetchy emotional line that I am that severely damaged from it. I just don't feel anymore. I haven't really felt anything soul shaking or body consuming for almost a full five years now.

I've ditched best friends without shedding a tear. Dropped girlfriends or boyfriends with only a slight longing before there's a complete indifference. I've become a person who's in control of all relationships. Nobody touches me during sex, or gets to touch me too much. I do the touching. I do the controlling. I never go mindless. I fake orgasms to get them off of me, then throw them down and completely, utterly, and fully destroy their coherency. I take hours stripping them of everything until they're blubbering, begging, whimpering masses, naked, exposed, and vulnerable, and I...?
Well, generally, I don't ever even take my clothes off.

I see people who are attractive and imagine what I'd like to do to them. Then I get bored, and go away.

I've had soul shattering physical reactions to only two people in all of my life--reactions that have left me trembling and starved. Perhaps three, if you count K, the girl I was in love with, who is with her now fiancee, a girl called J. But even K never inspired in me something that left me dry mouthed and without a clear thought. And every reaction has been to a girl.

But yesterday, I felt lust.
Hard. Vicious.
Caused by a man.

I've seen him many times. I work with him, but never spoken with him. He's manager of another department. Built like a god with his muscles, and with a pretty face. But I never really thought of him as attractive or my type. Then yesterday, I got locked in an office with him. His smell hit me strong as a freight train--addictive, expensive cologne, that made my skin prickle and goosebumps erupt on my flesh (numbness of emotions means I have a certain weakness with certain senses, smell being on of them). Then he spoke, and his voice was low. Deep and rumbling. A certain purr. Something you never would imagine existed. I had never heard him speak.
He asked when I was going to train him.
I told him whenever he wanted me to.
And that I'd ride him hard when I did.

I don't think he got the reference, since we were talking in front of another girl i had just trained, and indicated that I meant like i had worked her.
But it was terrifying. This feeling of sudden lust. All the blood rushed to the surface of my skin. I was dizzy, desperate, and whereas I had been freezing, I was suddenly hot. Like they describe in books. I left pretty quick after, jumped into my car, and realized...I was aroused. And that thinking about him is what was doing it, and that unlike every other time in my life, I wanted to get off to him, imagining what he would look like over me, those thick arms straining, my nails gouging into his back. I imagined what his mouth would feel like on me, on my bare skin. And it was terrifying how much I liked the idea. So I changed it to something equally delicious and much safer--how that confident, deep voice would sound pouring out of his lips in a helpless whimper. How he would look tied down, my mouth sucking and biting down his abdomen and to his hips, nibbling his hipbones, scraping my teeth along his inner thigh....

....the fantasy lasted for hours, even at my other job. They never last that long. But I never have felt something that extreme.

And he's out of my league. A million miles out. And probably taken. They always are.
And he's also a coworker.
And I'm just not very pretty compared to him.

And I found a t.A.T.u song called "Craving", that says it beautifully.
I always want what I can't have,
I always need what I don't want.

Talk about being the epitome of my love life and my struggled with my ED.

Which is another reason i could never be with someone like him.
Who am I to inflict the horror that is inside of me, on someone who moves me in such a strong way? Someone like him?
He has the smile of a good guy. Comes off as one, too.
Comes off as dominant as fuck.

I wonder if he'd fight me for dominance in bed. Or if he'd just take it.
If he'd like when I struggled to get on top of him.
Or if he'd render me too incoherent to try...
...that thought is absolutely terrifying.
I hate being helpless.

I want to be helpless.
And I want to know I'm safe.

He's so beyond anything I could ever deserve.

Lots of other things happened yesterday.
Not sure what they all mean.
There was a lesson,
but I'm sure I missed it.
The rest is too depressing or too esoteric to really get into, so I'll stop now.
I hope you all have a great day,
and that your smiles are genuine.

Wish me luck in facing the one thing I fear the most--feeling things.


  1. Maybe this is a strange reaction to this post, but I thought what you described sounded really beautiful, in so many ways. Maybe part of it is the way you write, but I think it mainly has to do with how well you express your thoughts. I do hope that you are able to face that fear, the fear of feeling things. And I know a whole lot of people disagree with me, but I truly believe it is possible to find those people who will support you in your decisions, accept you for what and where and who you are. Maybe this guy you are attracted to could be one of those people for you. Maybe not. But I have to believe that there is someone out there who will be able to fulfill you and help you through it all, help you feel. (Wow, could I ramble any more in a blog comment? Sorry about that...)

  2. I have nothing to say except... That's extremely hot. You can totally bag him. Get it, girl.


  3. I LOVE YOU! Finally, someone else with BPD.

    I know it's really scary to feel... that's part of the reason I drink so much wine. Anyway, I think of BPD as a strength most of the time. We are not saps!

  4. i felt like i was reading a romantic book! LOVE reading your posts hun! you should really consider writing a book .. i bet it would be a best seller ! ;)

  5. Wow that sounds amazing. I wish I could feel that strongly about someone. And not very often to make it mean more. I also weirdly wish I could be numb. I want to be cold. Have nothing hurt me. Not get attached. Not be the helpless one waiting for the other person to want me. not to feel as if I am the weaker one who is ALWAYS dominated. I always lose. Even to myself. I loese to my cravings. I am every bodies! I hate it. Every time I try be cold I end up feeling guilty that I am hurting people. But I wish I did not care. I really do. In some ways your lucky. I get the whole hopeless thing too. I am tall so even though I am hopeless people seem to think I can manage well. I act like they expect me to be. But I want people to think that but then again I dont.


    Lucky you tho. Sounds like an amazing feeling and you described it sooo well...


  6. i think that its about time that you start to feel again. as much as it may scare you, maybe something is trying to tell you that you've had enough time being numb

  7. Wow, this man sounds like a god! Wooo! Sometimes you need someone to fantasize about :)

  8. Wow. I wish I could feel lust like that. I swear I have zero sex drive.

    He sounds (sigh) gorgeous. I felt a shiver of frission when I read this, so it's good to know that part of me is still normal.


  9. Wow...that post seriously made me HOT!