I can't believe how depressed how I am.
I'm doing a 32 page term paper for my psych class on Anorexia. INORITE? It's due wednesday, and I have...page one done.
I'm ditching my math class. I can't focus, or think. All I can think about is that I ate. I can't do anything else other than lay here, or get up and exercise. I thought I was supposed to be taking control of my life, not losing it.
I'm tempted to call my psych office and tell them I'm in crisis. I ate, and almost purged (but refrained--I like my teeth kthnx), but I don't want my shrink to know that. All I want is my ADD medicine. I've been on a bender for days now. My attention is span is so much shit it's not even funny. It's painful just to write entries.
I'm starved. I think I thwarted a full out binge by eating half a grilled cheese sandwich. I feel disgusting, though.
I could feel that craving coming on, though, and decided to do it now, while I had control, rather than waiting until i was about to fall apart.
I can't bring myself to go to class.
I'm tempted to just take two ambien and go to bed. I know my head will hate me for it tonight, but what the fuck, yo. It's better than sitting here thinking about how much of a fucking failure I feel like.
Ughughugh *EMOS EVERYWHERE*
I don't know. I feel like--and I hate to say this--a poser. In everything. I feel fake. I feel like I don't belong, even though I've been reading through so many blogs, wanting to reach out. I feel like I'm waiting to be slapped down, by my own mind and by everyone around me, and I know I shouldn't feel like that. I'm just sick of feeling alone. Feeling like I'm nothing.
I don't want to be nothing anymore.
I really, really don't.
I don't want to be just my weight. I don't want to be just that fat bitch. I don't want to fail, I don't want to hurt, I don't want to feel.
And it would sure be damn nice if my fucking keyboard stopped being broken.