I can't believe how depressed how I am.
I'm doing a 32 page term paper for my psych class on Anorexia. INORITE? It's due wednesday, and I have...page one done.
I'm ditching my math class. I can't focus, or think. All I can think about is that I ate. I can't do anything else other than lay here, or get up and exercise. I thought I was supposed to be taking control of my life, not losing it.
I'm tempted to call my psych office and tell them I'm in crisis. I ate, and almost purged (but refrained--I like my teeth kthnx), but I don't want my shrink to know that. All I want is my ADD medicine. I've been on a bender for days now. My attention is span is so much shit it's not even funny. It's painful just to write entries.
I'm starved. I think I thwarted a full out binge by eating half a grilled cheese sandwich. I feel disgusting, though.
I could feel that craving coming on, though, and decided to do it now, while I had control, rather than waiting until i was about to fall apart.
I can't bring myself to go to class.
I'm tempted to just take two ambien and go to bed. I know my head will hate me for it tonight, but what the fuck, yo. It's better than sitting here thinking about how much of a fucking failure I feel like.
Ughughugh *EMOS EVERYWHERE*
I don't know. I feel like--and I hate to say this--a poser. In everything. I feel fake. I feel like I don't belong, even though I've been reading through so many blogs, wanting to reach out. I feel like I'm waiting to be slapped down, by my own mind and by everyone around me, and I know I shouldn't feel like that. I'm just sick of feeling alone. Feeling like I'm nothing.
I don't want to be nothing anymore.
I really, really don't.
I don't want to be just my weight. I don't want to be just that fat bitch. I don't want to fail, I don't want to hurt, I don't want to feel.
And it would sure be damn nice if my fucking keyboard stopped being broken.
Pictures related^
I wanna be that.
Picture related
This is what I feel like
Without the drunk or microphone. v
I wanna be that.
Picture related
This is what I feel like
Without the drunk or microphone. v
I hate those black pits you can get yourself into. Nothing matters and you can't do anything but hate yourself. It's so hard to get out of them, too.
ReplyDeleteYou should def get your ADD meds. My brother had ADD and his life always seemed to go into a tailspin whenever he wasn't taken his pills. And my friend always has a hard time functioning without her cocktail of meds.
Try to pull an all-nighter or two to get that paper done. I know that when I accomplish something that isn't even related to food or weight, I feel better about myself and more relaxed. It's like, I can do this, so of course I can do that!
You aren't alone, and you aren't worthless. Remember what you want and keep trying!
Ah, Beth Ditto. She would be so much more in my eyes if she were slim...and I know that sounds shallow, but that's how I feel.
ReplyDeleteI'm still in high school, and even three-page papers have me tearing my hair out...although it's mostly my fault because I procrastinate so so so bad.
Is it strange that I feel like a poser as well? It seems that everyone (on blogger) has the most incredible control and mindset, even if they do have the occasional slip-up. I, on the other hand, can never restrict for more than a day without completely bingeing the next.
And the pathetic part is that when I binge, I couldn't care less.
It's only afterwards that all the guilt and emotions come rushing to me.