FUCKING FUCK

I want to be perfect. Beautiful. More beautiful than her girlfriend. More beautiful than the cold bitch who turns away when K cries.

K's grandfather died. A month later, her mother went back to using drugs and then wound up in the ICU. For two weeks she was in a coma. K's mother finally woke up and is going to be okay, but less than a week later, her grandmother announced she had Leukemia, and wasn't getting help for it.

K's still in school--her second semester of her first year. She's 19. She's been with Girl for over 3 years.

Yesterday, K, who's the strongest person I know, who never cried once during her grandfather or mother, finally broke down. The pressure got to her. I was talking to her on line because I was at work and couldn't go over. she said her girlfriend was sitting next to her and ignoring her, and finally told K to, "Just get over it already."
Today, K's papers and computer charger got chewed up by her puppy. She started crying again. Yeah, most of them were on the computer, but some were outlined by free hand and nothing was salvageable. Her girlfriend told her to stop, because it "wasn't that bad". And when K told her she needed a hug, Girl told her that she couldn't even stand to be around her.

K is straight edge, like me. No drinking, no drugs, no smoking. Sometimes hookah. She's strong, and stable, and both us are pretty much a lot the same--femme girls who have a very masculine, take charge idea. "Power Lesbians" who like to make fun of stereotypical gays, who don't look gay, and are generally very even keeled.
Girl is an emotional wreck. She threatens suicide a lot, got arrested for pot and other drugs, is always complaining about something, and can't stand for other people to get attention over her.

I am in love with K. K likes me too. Girl treats her like shit, but K is young, and she needs to go through this. I was in a relationship that was abusive as well (including sexually in some instances, and it's all a long story) and I understand that sometimes you just need to shake it on your own.

But now Girl is posting all this "PITY ME" shit on her myspace.

I'm feeling so violent. So vindictive against Girl. I want to ruin her. I want to defeat her. I want to drive her to the brink and shove her over it.

But I can't do that.

All I can do is be skinnier than that bitch (and that's NOT hard to do).
All I can do is be prettier.
Be better.
And try so hard to not slaughter her in the process.

She's not just hurting my best friend. She's hurting the girl that I'm in love with. And I am so protective of the people I care about it's sickening.