Tuesday, April 21, 2009
OW AND FAIL
I'm sorry to everyone who actually reads this for posting so much. I just need to unload.
I was doing good good good today. I started off with a piece of bread and a slimfast. I didn't have anything else but half a thing of soup at hand. So I was at 300 calories, and I didn't eat ANYTHING else. I went to the gym, I worked HARD. I got to 500 calories burned off, and then di did weights. One of the personal trainers there was showing me how to do something and kept increasing the weights and I TOLD THEM it was too much and then something RIPPED in my shoulder and now I can't move my head.
I came home and my dad gave me a pain patch. I took an oxy, and my stomach hurt so bad that I ate. I ate and ate. I've eaten now 800 calories, and I don't like counting the gym as negative, and I feel terrible. I keep wanting MORE because pain pills always make me hungry,a nd this is how I GOT FAT to begin with--because of pain pills.
I've got stashed Lunesta. It makes everything taste bitter as can be. I'm going to take that and pass out, because then everything will taste too horrible tomorrow to eat.
I need to start putting more chipper stuff in here. I'm the joker outside of the internet. It's my jo to make people laugh. It's weird actually just spending time bitching.
Update
I gave in and purged. Apparently, I dont' like my teeth that much D:
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I work in a place where the food and gluttonous people are abundant. (I won't tell you the name/type of place, to protect my anonymity).
ReplyDeleteI receive free meals for working there. I wish they charged us, because I'm a bit stingy and I wouldn't buy food if I had to pay. Thus saving myself from binges at work (which happen EVERYTIME).
Ah, yes, I remember the seven times. In Islam we consider dogs to be unclean (as well as pigs)...I don't remember exactly for what reason...You could probably find something on google.
Well, have you heard Beth's music? She's the lead singer of The Gossip, and she sings so amazingly on the song "Standing in the Way of Control" (and now that I think about it, it's sort of ed-related).
I've wanted to purge for the past couple days, but for some reason I just can't bring myself to do it. It's so uncomfortable, having to stick two fingers down your throat, only to have nothing but acid come up, you know?
Don't hide in a ball. I may have more "control" (bah)...but I'm still gaining. You're losing weight. Which, at the moment, is exhibiting more control than me! But you will succeed. I really hope so, because even if I don't, you will.
And even if there are some people on here that are worse off than I am, I still admire everyone (including you) as well. It takes so much courage. Because this mess we've gotten ourselves into is a fuckin' drag.
Oh, and White Oleander. What a beautiful book.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I wish I were placed in a foster home where my parent starved me.
Have you read Janet Fitch's other book, Paint It Black? Not as good as WO but still worthwhile.
I'm going to have to check out paint it black now...
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I was going to comment on the teeth thing - or ask a question really - does anyone know if getting veneers (sp?) would solve that problem or if my b/p would just ruin more expensive dental work?
Just curious because I always tell myself that after purging, 'you'll starve tomorrow & save the money for new teeth' - crazy rationalization - I KNOW :/