When I was in high school (I KNOW RIGHT? I'M SO OLD), like, second year to be precise, I was on wellbutrin. I used to pop it like candy, because it made me pass out, and made me not eat. I loved it. I don't know why I liked passing out. But it made me feel good I know, that's strange, right?
Not too long after I stopped that, after I had stopped eating (when I got caught and yeah) I got on drugs.
Hard drugs too. Not like pot. But like the shit that fucks you up for life. I have some permanent side effects of it. I gained back the full 80 or so pounds I lost on it. I've gone back and forth with EDs since then, and I gained back all the weight I ever lost.
I'm...really sick of thinking about my weight. Of looking in the mirror and not liking what I see.
I just sort of want the world to stop right now, you know? I just want a few moments to close my eyes and breathe, and sleep, and sleep.
I can't believe how tired I am. Is this normal?
I keep thinking if I can get the scale to move down, to just get past the latest 10's mark, to get out of this weight. I just want to like looking at myself in the mirror, and get out of this number, then I'll be okay, and I'll be invigorated again.
I keep thinking when school gets out, I can just...focus on the gym. On running, and losing weight, and getting to a point where I'm not embarassed at myself anymore. I'll have my ADD meds, and I'll be exercising, and I won't be as stressed, and I'll be ready for the new semester.
That's all I want.
I also keep thinking if I lose weight I'll fix this all somehow. I've been single for five years. I mean, yeah, I've gone on dates with girls, but most of the girls that like bigger girls are "Butch", or the men in the relationship. Now, let me explain something--with lesbians, there's not always that "One is top, the other bottoms" sort of thing, but I'm traditional. I am sexist.
I want a house wife. I want a pretty little thing who's damn smart, who cooks dinner, who cleans, who I can support and take care of, buy things for...I want to be the "man". If I wanted something that looks like it should have a penis, I would go for something with a penis. I like femme girls, pretty girls. Girls who I would have to fight for mirror space for, who I would get confused and go "Honey, is this your MAC, or mine?" and who I could kiss her painted nails and look at her and have NO DOUBT that it's a woman. I like girls with long hair and sloping shoulders and round breasts and hips that you can just BITE. I like girls who are, while I'm this weight, completely out of my league.
I need to be able to look in the mirror and say "Yeah, I'd fuck me," before I inflict myself on anyone else.
I haven't been there in so long.
This all just sucks.
I need a girlfriend. But I need to be hot enough to score a hot girlfriend first. And it doesn't help that the one person I am REALLY FUCKING INTO has a girlfriend already O.o I mean, srsly, FAIL YO.
Done now, hopefully for the night :D
EDIT: I just was playing with my uniform belt. WHen I first got it, I could barely get to the third notch. I just got the seventh, and it's still a little loose (like I like my belts). I guess that makes up for it. If I'm not losing pounds, I could definitely do with losing inches. But now I need a new belt D:
and now, for some rockabilly/psychobilly thinspo by the most beautiful woman known EVER, CeCe LaRue!