Follow me on Twitter
All requests for following must be approved by PrettyWreck
before tweets can be seen ♥

Ask me Anything
A formspring account where I'll try to
reply to all questions posed ♥

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Warning: There be hot psychobilly Thinspo ahead.

Kay. Another post. sorry everyone, lol.

When I was in high school (I KNOW RIGHT? I'M SO OLD), like, second year to be precise, I was on wellbutrin. I used to pop it like candy, because it made me pass out, and made me not eat. I loved it. I don't know why I liked passing out. But it made me feel good I know, that's strange, right?

Not too long after I stopped that, after I had stopped eating (when I got caught and yeah) I got on drugs.

Hard drugs too. Not like pot. But like the shit that fucks you up for life. I have some permanent side effects of it. I gained back the full 80 or so pounds I lost on it. I've gone back and forth with EDs since then, and I gained back all the weight I ever lost.

I'm...really sick of thinking about my weight. Of looking in the mirror and not liking what I see.

I just sort of want the world to stop right now, you know? I just want a few moments to close my eyes and breathe, and sleep, and sleep.

I can't believe how tired I am. Is this normal?

I keep thinking if I can get the scale to move down, to just get past the latest 10's mark, to get out of this weight. I just want to like looking at myself in the mirror, and get out of this number, then I'll be okay, and I'll be invigorated again.

I keep thinking when school gets out, I can just...focus on the gym. On running, and losing weight, and getting to a point where I'm not embarassed at myself anymore. I'll have my ADD meds, and I'll be exercising, and I won't be as stressed, and I'll be ready for the new semester.

That's all I want.

I also keep thinking if I lose weight I'll fix this all somehow. I've been single for five years. I mean, yeah, I've gone on dates with girls, but most of the girls that like bigger girls are "Butch", or the men in the relationship. Now, let me explain something--with lesbians, there's not always that "One is top, the other bottoms" sort of thing, but I'm traditional. I am sexist.

I want a house wife. I want a pretty little thing who's damn smart, who cooks dinner, who cleans, who I can support and take care of, buy things for...I want to be the "man". If I wanted something that looks like it should have a penis, I would go for something with a penis. I like femme girls, pretty girls. Girls who I would have to fight for mirror space for, who I would get confused and go "Honey, is this your MAC, or mine?" and who I could kiss her painted nails and look at her and have NO DOUBT that it's a woman. I like girls with long hair and sloping shoulders and round breasts and hips that you can just BITE. I like girls who are, while I'm this weight, completely out of my league.

I need to be able to look in the mirror and say "Yeah, I'd fuck me," before I inflict myself on anyone else.

I haven't been there in so long.

This all just sucks.

I need a girlfriend. But I need to be hot enough to score a hot girlfriend first. And it doesn't help that the one person I am REALLY FUCKING INTO has a girlfriend already O.o I mean, srsly, FAIL YO.

Done now, hopefully for the night :D

EDIT: I just was playing with my uniform belt. WHen I first got it, I could barely get to the third notch. I just got the seventh, and it's still a little loose (like I like my belts). I guess that makes up for it. If I'm not losing pounds, I could definitely do with losing inches. But now I need a new belt D:

and now, for some rockabilly/psychobilly thinspo by the most beautiful woman known EVER, CeCe LaRue!


  1. love the thinspo! I love tattoos, but am too chickenshit to get my own and also have this fear of coming off as trying to hard or some kind of poser. Oh well, maybe when I'm thin :)

  2. I most definitely would not throw up.

    The first tattoo I want to get is my own design, it's kind of a half heart with my son's initials in it (looks more like a paisley teardrop) on the inside of my wrist & if I ever had another kid his/her initials would go on the other wrist. I've drawn it on my wrist a million times, but just can't bring myself to the tattoo parlor. & my family would KILL me too!

  3. wow hi! I'm CeCe and I stumbled upon this! Thank you so much for the kind words. I'm working under a new name now, Alyse Pierce. I would absolutely love to hear from you.

  4. (I know this post is way old, but I just found your blog and I'm playing catch up)

    I'm not gay, but if I were I would totally agree with you about the kinds of women you want to be with. I find woman to be very attractive and I guess I kind of have some bi thoughts, but would probably never act on them b/c they aren't that strong (plus I'm married..haha). But yeah, if you are going to be with a woman, then be with a fucking woman! I would want the most beautiful woman on earth. Angie Jolie or Lady Gaga would work for me! Hotness.

    Anywho, I'm liking your blog so far so expect for late and outdated comments.