Sunday, November 22, 2009
A monster under the mask
Thank you everyone for your support.
I think I was over reacting. I just don't know how to explain how it feels to keep looking down at your body and bones and thinking, "How can everything in me be so ugly?"
I've always felt like I was damaged. And that seemed to confirm it.
My problems with my female bits is a disease that 1 in 1.5 MILLION women have. I'm fairly certain I'll never be able to carry a child, which, despite the fact that I don't want to give birth, still takes the instincts in me very sad in a way. Sort of nostalgic, and I know it'll hurt later.
My breasts have gotten smaller since I lost weight, but there's extra skin. I have always had saggy-type breasts. I had a C-Cup by fourth grade. I was like...TEN. And then they started to not be perky, and I've always hated them, and now they're worse than ever before. I keep thinking, "When I have a good job, I'll save up and get them perked and made into a full D, instead of this half-C, half-D", because...I don't know how to explain it. I don't feel like I can ever be really attractive if my breasts aren't.
They're the epitome of what makes a woman.
And no matter how pretty I look with my clothes on, if I want to cry when I see myself without them, then all the clothes are is just a mask that hides the ugly truth.
And now my skin, which is ugly already, is hiding an uglier truth. I'm ugly on the outside, and now on the in. I mean...the two things i was diagnosed with are so EMBARASSING.
And the Scoliosis isn't full out. The tilt is only a 10.8 degree, and you need ot have a 21 degree or greater curve to qualify as Scoliosis. But they said it's bad enough to fall into something that's seen as "the beginning stages", and is correctable, and won't be as hard as the neck. It's just...the word sounds embarrassing.
And I would love to talk to someone who has it. Because I want to do everything to try and make myself better and good enough. I need to take up yoga. Badly.
I didn't weigh myself today.
After I got off the computer, my step mom brought me chips ahoy cookies and a jar of peanut butter.
She was trying to make me happy.
I had a total of six cookies, and half of a slimfast bar. Four of the cookies were in milk, two covered in peanut butter, and the slimfast bar in peanut butter. That was yesterday before bed.
I've had, today, 360 calories.
I'm keeping it under 500 if I can, to make up for it.
And I didn't do gym. I'm so tired today. It's hard to move.
I have to get my room clean, so I'm just focusing on that.
I feel so strange. I never realized how I could feel so terrible about myself, and so great all at the same time, but now I do.
I know - I know - I am hot shit. I know I look better than a lot of girls do. When I put on my make up, and shake out my hair and then clip it up just right, so it's orderly but messy....when I put on certain clothes that accentuate the curves and the flat belly, and my pants slink down just enough to show off the hip bone and the start of a tattoo...when I wear red to make the black hair blacker and the blue eyes bluer....when I wear heels to make my legs look longer and my hips look better...I know I get attention.
I have big breasts, a narrow waist, and wide hips.
I have full lips, and eyes that border between blue, green, and gray.
I have high brows.
And when I put on my make up, and do my hair, and put on cute clothes....I can get whatever I want....
...but then I smile. And the fat around my eyes shows. The wrinkles comes. My face morphs like jelly and my cheeks get too big and I get lines at the corners of my mouth that reach up to my nose. And my nose is huge, and I have too big of pores on my cheeks. My hair looks gross if i don't do my bangs, and is prone to breaking. I can't stand how i look without make up.
My front two teeth are longer than the rest.
Under my clothes, my stomach is flabby. My sides are still fat. My breasts hang, and there's too much skin, now. I have fat arms, and stretch marks under them, and I get break outs on my back. I have stretch marks on my hips and tummy. My female bits are gross looking - not like most girls, but they seem just...wrong. My legs are so huge without the clothing there to disguise way the fat is on them. The backs of my knees are oddly shaped and hollow, and the font of them has the fat dimples. My calves are huge. My feet are gross.
I jiggle when I move.
And as if that isn't bad enough, now my spine is bad.
And my female parts are bad.
I'm ugly. Outside and in. I don't ever feel smart (I feel superior, just not very smart). I know I can pull off smart, and impress people, but it falls apart when against someone who actually is.
I have a bad personality and have no idea how to act in friendships and social situations.
I dont' like my personality most of the time.
I can't keep friends very well.
I can't even keep promises very well.
But god, I can act like it. And make people believe I do. Make people think I'm smart, and ambitious, and friendly, and fun to know. Make people think I'm this amazing girl, who they all want to be.
But it's a mask.
Get close enough to peel off the clothing of my act to the truth beneath, and you see how ugly i am.
Like if you peeled off my skin to see my spine.
Or my clothes to see my body.
Or my make up to see my face.
I'm a monster hiding underneath the pretty girl's facade.
I feel so confused when i look the mirror and I look pretty, because I don't understand how I can. It's not fair to the people who see me. It's terrifying how easily I can change my face and hide so much, so people believe I'm something worthy of loving or knowing.
I realized why I hate myself so often, while loving myself all at once.
I love the mask, not the person underneath.
And I just wish I somehow knew how to be the person I pretend I am.