Saturday, November 21, 2009
I'm in crisis.
Purging will not fix the diagnosis.
Purging will not make me healthy.
Purging will not change the x-ray results.
Purging will not make the tests all lies.
Purging will not make it less expensive.
Purging will not take away the disease.
I'm too young to have this.
I'm too young to be so ugly both inside and out.
I'm too young to have this problem.
I cannot purge.
I will not purge.
I went to lunch.
I went to lunch because i thought I could deserve something after learning what was wrong, and to spend time with family. And now it just hit what they diagnosed me with, and now I want to go throw everything up.
I want to empty myself.
Purging will not take it away.
Purging will not make the results any different.
I have the beginning stages of scoliosis and degenerative disc disease.
My neck is so fucked up, that the doctor I went to said it's the worst case he's seen in someone this young.
My vertebrae are starting to fuse.
The blood flow to my brain is so severely limited and getting worse.
it's why I get dizzy.
It's why I wake up every day in pain.
He said it can be fixed, but it's expensive, and will take a lot of time. Like...$3000.
And all I could think is, "Great...I'm this ugly outside, and now I'm this ugly at the very center of me? At my SPINE?"
I could get a hunch back because of my neck. I hate hunch backs.
My lower back, with the cockeye sideways tilt to the spine isn't as bad visually. It's not as badly cockeyed as is needed for an official diagnosis of scoliosis, but it's getting worse.
I have nerve damage. It makes my hands and feet go numb.
It apparently is causing my attention deficit because of the blood flow lack.
It could become PERMANENT if I don't treat it.
And I'm shaking.
And I want to go purge, because purging will be cathartic. It will make me stop shaking. It will make me feel better. It will make me feel more in control. It will get out the ugliness of the food in my stomach and make me CLEAN inside.
it will damage the enamel on my teeth.
And could make them fall out.
And then I'd be more god damned ugly than ever before.
I think my emotions just crashed.
Partway through this post I was sobbing.
Now I feel numb.
It's nto life threatening.
But my spine is messed up.
I could be hurting for the rest of my life.
It's so much money.
I'm so young.
It's such an ugly disease.
And I'm lucky we found it in time.
And part of me is just...kind of laughing a little. Because i"m sitting here, feeling ugly, and disgusting, and today, I got treated very badly by one girl who snapped and basically said, "Do you not see it? Every man in here you've talked to is drooling and falling all over themselves to do EVERYTHING for you. I never get treated like you do! And you don't even LIKE men!"
when I focused on it...I kept getting drinks brought to me. And doors held open. And when the guys weren't working, they'd come and talk to me until someone needed them again.
I was sort of amused. Cocky. Happy. I'm still fat. Granted, I hit a new low weight, despite the binge (125), but...I was watching them, and realizing yeah...yeah...they are flirting, aren't they? They are all smiling, and they are all making sweet comments, and treating me wonderfully, aren't they? How can they not see it? Do they not realize how ugly I am? Now just not on the outside, but the in? what would happen if I pulled off my clothes? Pulled off my skin? Would they see the ugly monster that's damaged my bones?
I want my bones to show. They're supposed to be pretty. But they're not.
Nothing in me ever will be pretty.
My personalithy is terrible, and my bones are ugly now.
It's taken everything from me.
I can fix it.
With a lot of money.
I just can't let myself purge.
It will ruin my teeth, and I refuse to make myself anymore gross. I'll pay for my stupid idea of eating, and starve it the rest of the week.
New motivation to starve, right?
Realize how ugly you are inside, so you struggle to distract people with perfection of body.
My personality is bad. My breasts are bad. My spine is bad.
All I have left is the ability to look better than the rest of the girls.
Oh sweet vanity, fuck you and your mother, but you've won me over.
Ana, I'm all yours.