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Monday, November 16, 2009

I disrobe to show my most convincing disguise

I disrobe and show my most convincing disguise.
I've lived so many lives each death has left my face scarred
Hid so many lies under my breath that I can't face God

Dig into my mind deep enough you'll find a graveyard
I get nervous bodies will resurface every time it rains hard
-Sage Francis

Plateaus. I got down to the 126.4. Then shot up to 128.2, then down to 127, and today, 127.6. 8 days now. 8 days at this.
Today I'm going back to the gym. I've been grounded from it, especially since I was in the hospital for the torsion thing. But I need to at least go run a little bit. Come home, study, set the date for my PT exam, and make sure I'm enrolled in the proper classes next semester. I also need to set an appointment for my adviser at school since I changed my majors. My new major only requires I take Bio 189, but I've taken 196 and 197 (which is an in depth, 2 semester version of Bio 189). It makes no sense to now demand I take a lower level biology when I've taken the advanced version of it. That would be like telling someone who just got out of Calculus III that they have to go back and take remedial math, or something.

My major was Biology With an Emphasis in Graduate Studies. Now my major is Biology with an emphasis in Applies Health Sciences. It actually means I'm further along in my degree program, so I need less classes, which is amazing. And I'll actually graduate sooner. Like...whenever I actually get off graveyards and can go to school.

But anyway.
Today is a gym day.
Today I need to break through that 127 mark and into the 126 range.
Because at this rate, I'm going to break something. Or else my willpower will break. And that's what scares me.

Though I can't think like that. Because the secret to success is perseverance. People who give up don't succeed. It's people who keep going. Who are tenacious. Who refuse to stop working for what they want. And that's all that I have to do. Just keep pushing on.

I think what doesn't help is that K, the girl I'm in love with, sent me pictures of herself on Saturday. They were of her in a low cut top, looking...just beautiful. And wouldn't you know it, but when I got them, I was listening, "The Door Is Still Open (To my Heart)" by Dean Martin, and it was this moment of "OH COME ON!", because what is more fucked up than that? It's really hard. She's engaged. She's getting married to her girlfriend. She's in love with someone else. But before they were engaged, she talked about leaving her for me. I still remember how she looked in my bed, how good her lips felt when she kissed me. Or how much fun it was to bite her at her stomach while she was trying to keep her voice even on the phone with her girl...

...she doesn't feel for me what I feel for her. And I hate her for that, in a way. But on the same note, I know one day, she'll realize what all of us know. That her and her girlfriend are bad for each other. J (her girl) is abusive in all but the physical/sexual sense, and a right idiot at that. And I know one day, she'll look back and regret the choice she made. And that's the day when I'll feel vindicated.

Though my girl, V? I feel...really bad. Because V is starting to fall for me hard. That's what her friend mentioned to I am, talking to V, and thinking about how she doesn't compare to K very I still wish I could be with K....

Maybe I got with V because I just wanted someone to be with.
I miss passion. Love. Arguments. Rage.
V is too sweet.
Too innocent.
There's nothing sultry there. Nothing dramatic. Nothing tragic. Nothing strong and beautiful.
She's just...sweet.

And I hate that I'm not losing weight faster, because I want to be so god damned hot, and I want K to see me, and realize it. I want to see her eyes on me, and know she wants me, and to know that I'm better than her girlfriend. And I'm too god damned for her now, too.

Though if she asked, even then, I'd probably still be with her.
I'm so pathetic.
I'd go with someone who's hurt me and chosen someone else over me multiple times. I really have no self respect.


  1. "I'd go with someone who's hurt me and chosen someone else over me multiple times."

    Why do we do this to ourselves when it comes to relationships? I wonder if it has anything to do with our rejection of our physical bodies. Does self-rejection make you attracted to rejection from others on some level? I don't know and that probably doesn't make any sense.

    I seriously need more coffee. :)

    I can relate to your feelings PrettyWreck. Don't be so hard on yourself though. You're trying to figure out this life/love thing just like the rest of us.

    At least you are making some honest self inquiry. I applaud you for that.


  2. Why would she send you photos of herself (esp in a low-cut top, if she wanted to end things with you? I don't know you or her, but from this brief intro, it sounds like she's stringing you along :( It's not pathetic of you, though. I've gone back to a cheating bastard before. Sometimes, it's so hard to walk away.

  3. "Because the secret to success is perseverance."

    This made me cry, for so many reasons. :(