Sunday, November 1, 2009
Fuck this, Let's starve
I love my girls.
And by that, I mean you guys. I know there are some guys out there, but I tend to mostly get comments by/interact with mostly the girls, so it's just sort of what I call of you. Is that a bit too possessive?
Strangely, when I log on, and see my list of followers, and the list of people I'm following, I think, "What's going on with my girls?"
It's an odd possessive thing. Not in the "NO ONE ELSE CAN HAVE THEM" but in the "I'm worried, and miss them," sort of thing. Like "My friends", only...a bit more protective? Does that make sense?
I've always had such a protective instinct over people. So it manifests itself. I don't do change myself for the better for the sake of myself, generally. I do it for others. I tend to do better when I change something about me in order to somehow benefit people I care about. It's not that I don't like me, but just that...there's more of a point to caring for others than yourself. Does that make sense?
And when i was scrolling through my comments, I saw one by Anonymous Blogger, who is amazing, and doesn't have a lot of followers, so you guys should go see her.
And it was one of those moments where someone says something that just...makes sense, you know? It clicks. It means something, and it makes something in you that was tight and tense and uncomfortable just...unwind. Like...instead of being a straw that breaks the camels back, it's the final pillar that helps keep up the house up.
She said, in short, that she had been in this downswing of depression before. And that she had eaten like I am, and that what helped her, was when she stopped. She stopped eating, and it made it better. And it was like...I think I needed to hear that. I think I needed someone to say, "Starve, and it will help", because I knew it, but part of me was saying, "But food makes me feel GOOD," so I was making excuses.
When I looked at her blog, she's made this commitment to a 23 day fast. I'm excited for her. I hope she can do it.
I hurt, today. I pulled something in my neck, and I'm paying for it now. My legs hurt from running and working, and my body aches from not eating anything, but you know what?
It's an amazing pain.
My head is hazy, and my limbs are heavy and light all at once, and all I can think is that, "This is what made me do it the first time. This is what I loved. This feeling I've grown to hate is something that I need to learn to worship again."
I can't spend my time looking at thinspo and pining. I need to spend my time working on my homework, and cracking down, and doing things that make me not eat.
This isn't about proving myself through my writing, or through my collection of pictures of skinny girls.
This is about proving myself through how much I lose. About finally being able to look in the mirror, and slip into those size zeroes, and think for the first time, "God...I look so skinny. I look so good."
This is about me.
This is about doing it, and pulling my life together.
I don't know if I want to be an example for anyone, because I don't want to encourage people to become this. This is, in essence, the first thing I've done with my own selfish desires in mind. Yes, people around me are inspired to get up and move, and make healthier choices, because when i do eat normal, as I have been for over a month now, my diet has switched from greasy foods to fruits and grains and vegetables and things that are good for you. I've maintained one weight, and I've done it right, so I'm fine in inspiring them in that.
But I want to do this for myself. I want to starve for ME. I want to be hungry, and lose, and get to 103, for ME. I want to do this in a way that's "wrong", and I want to suffer, and struggle, and I want to put myself through this hell.
Why would I do this?
Because for fucks sake, I have become a better person. Yes, I lie about what I eat, but I've become more honest in other things. This pain has led me to be something I'm proud of. It has brought to focus someone who's strong, and someone who can take control of her life and her emotions, and it's purifying. It's cleaning me of all the terrible things I've done, and the things that have been done to me. It's painfully scourging the filth of my past from my swollen limbs and bringing them back down to the bare bones and the essentials. It is freeing myself through this struggle. And yes, it's painful, and god yes, it's not healthy.
But I can be healthy, and happy, and I can maintain weight loss.
This isn't about that. This is so much more than that.
This is a fight that is symbolic. A fight to make ME worth something to myself. It's why I don't want people around me to know, and why I am so happy with nobody realizing it but you people - my girls. It's why I haven't told my shrink, and why I put up with the hurt it causes, and feel more focused and sharp when I do this.
This isn't my path to weight loss. This is my god damned path to redemption.
This is proving to ME that I can do something. This is how I realize I finally have planned to let go of the pain. To let go of my past.
To become something new.
To finally feel free to start my life.
And fuck me, but it's going to be a challenge.
But I have to do this.
Because it's time to move on, now. I refuse to be a slave any longer to a past I had no control over, when my future is entirely in my hands.