Thursday, November 5, 2009
Loss of a Blogger and Appetite
Day after a good restrict, it's harder.
I'm hungry, but I don't feel it. I feel the hunger in the way I want to eat, and how my attitude is all irritable. How hard it is to focus, and how thirsty I am. The way my neck and shoulders are all clenched.
I've done very well the past few days. But now I'm at the point where I don't really feel hungry anymore, but I need to eat. It's terrible. I have peanut butter in my backpack, for my lunch (a slice of low cal bread with 1tablespoon pb) and I keep wanting to reach for it. I have almonds and sunflower seeds stashed, also, and the vending machine is like...calling to me.
I can't screw this up, though. I've been stuck at 131, and this morning, I was 129.6. It's working, even though I haven't been able to hit up the gym. I'm losing. I have to keep losing.
One day at a time.
Just keep control. And keep going one day at a time.
The bigger picture. Every day a battle.
There is no tomorrow. There is no yesterday. There is only now, this moment, and what I do. There is only getting through this one second, without eating, and doing what I have to, to take care of my responsibilities.
I will do this.
And for those of you who know her, ShaSha/Lyla has deleted her blog and her profile. She recently made a commitment to go into recovery, and had been using her blog to document it, which surprised me, because so many of the posts of the rest of us (the people she follows) would be triggering for the disorder.
I got a note form her today saying she was taking it down, and she did.
So...I'm going to miss her a lot. And she's doing something very strong and incredibly admirable by working to get better.
Because there comes a point when we stop controlling the disorder, and it controls us.
Where it becomes life threatening, and destroys what little we have in our lives.
Where it starts doing irreperable damage to the body, and stops being an exercise in control, and becomes our Master, and we nothing but its victims.
I believe in allowing a person their right to have their disorders, and enjoy them if they so desire. Be it bipolar, depression, etc., so long as it doesn't interfere in extreme ways with your life, severely damage your health, or put you at mortal risk. It's a precarious ledge we all walk on, where only a simple gust of wind will knock us over the edge and into the abyss.
She was strong enough to know when she couldn't walk that anymore, and when she was too weak to keep herself from falling.
It takes strength to stay hungry, but after a certain point, it takes even more strength to say "enough", and to bow your head and ask for help.
I'm proud of her. And I hope the best, and hope that anyone else who feels like they need help, will be able to find it.
It takes true courage to choose to get better.
Stay strong. No matter what your definition of that word is.