Overdosing, exhaustion, weightloss....

I had a flare up yesterday right when I was heading to bed. Bad enough that I wound up literally lurching out of bed and onto the floor to try and get some of the coolness of the tiles to seep through my clothes and ease it. It was weird. This sudden violent cold and shaking while sweating and feeling so god damned hot at the same time. Like boiling water and ice are being thrown on me at the same time. It felt like my stomach and lower back was on fire. I wound up accidentally taking 1 1/2 oxy's (not realizing it was that many, because the ones they gave me from the hospital are "double dose", apparently. Since I had taken half an oxy from my normal stash, which is single dose, I grabbed the hospital one, broke it in half, and took it, thinking I would be taking only a total of one...and yeah. My bad). I had already taken an ambien, which I need to get to sleep. When none of those were working for about ten minutes, my dad let me steal one of his pain patches. I intended to take one of the mineral-ice type ones, in hopes of soothing the muscles, but he has them mixed in this big box to save on storage space, and I accidentally grabbed a morphine patch instead...

...I slept pretty hard.

Woke up thinking I was dying, of course. I tried to walk and my heart beat was so slow and light I nearly blacked out after three steps. My pulse rate is normally at 88-89, and it was at 59-60 when I took it, and couldn't even be felt in my wrist. Only place I managed to get even the faintest of pulses was on my carotid artery (the one on the side of your neck). There wasn't even a sign of it in the base of my throat, which is where it's normally strongest. A hot shower, some coffee, my adderall, and just patience, and it eventually evened itself out to a safer rate. It's still hard to feel it in my wrists, but at least I can find it there. Now I'm just tired, and irritated as hell. This is why I don't like hardcore narcotics or any form of hardcore drugs in my house. When I'm in pain, I forget what I take, and unless I carefully portion it out and study it before I need it, then I'm very, very prone to accidentally taking too many. I've gotten a lot better on it, but sometimes, when it hurts too bad to THINK, I just forget. Fucking pills.

Yesterday was also my "I must eat a lot to make my metabolism not used to low numbers" day. So I had set my goal for 1200 cals, but wound up actually at 1300 when I got stressed and had a binge. I expected to gain weight, so imagine my surprise when I woke up at 127. Not that I'm complaining. It probably has nothing to do with eating, and everything to do with the fact that I couldn't stop writhing, moving, and dry heaving for like...an hour and a half (wonder how many calories that burns?) because the pain literally made it impossible to sit still. Hopefully, it sticks. I'm SO CLOSE to being in a "healthy" weight range. I wish I could reach 123.5 by the end of this month (where my BMI will FINALLY be 24.9), but I'm not setting any goals. Lately, it's best to just take it day by day, and take what comes, rather than get ahead of myself and look too far forward into the future.

My mouth tastes like pills. I've brushed, flossed, rinsed, and still, I can taste the pills.

Yuck.

Today is down to 800 again. I'm hoping to pull myself under that soon, but I'm not pushing until I'm ready. I'm not going to let myself screw this up with another binge and bout of "I don't give a fuck" and jump back up to 131. I'm okay with losing, and stopping and maintaining for a little bit before I reach my goal. It creates a "reference point". Like pausing to save a word document. It's best to get your body used to different weights, so that if you wind up gaining again, it has a point where your body stops for a bit because it's comfortable. While it won't stop you from gaining MORE than that point, it's a place where your body feels comfortable at evening out at, so it's easier to maintain it and you won't gain back all your weight, because your body recognizes that as "normal", instead of seeing the higher numbers before that as normal. It kind of solidifies in psyche and cells that that point is a "max weight" or "normal weight"...does that make sense? So I now have a "reference point" at 131, so if I were to gain suddenly, my body would stall out there on the gaining and chill long enough for me to catch it and fix.

Does that make sense?
It sounds so much better in my Personal Training book. But whatever.

127.

Wouldn't it be prime if I was in the 126's tomorrow morning?

I AM SO FREAKING TIRED.
I hate narcotic-based pain killers....