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Friday, December 11, 2009


122.

To be honest, I'm not really pissed.
I knew that yesterday I was over eating. And I was the one who made the choice to sate my own nostalgia and buy Challa a day early in celebration for Hannukah, and because I had such a rough time with the doctor (they said I was DEPRESSED, that it WAS NOT side effects--fuck them, I still changed meds, and refused their attempts to give me anti-anxiety drugs. My shrink doesn't want me touching xanax or downers, because they make me super low). I won't even pretend that was well intentioned. I was shaky, and fighting off a migraine, and I knew it would be fresh baked, and I so rarely, rarely, get good, warm, home made Challa, since my family stopped going to temple every Friday.

That wouldn't have been bad, I think. But then before bed, I wound up eating again. I had taken my new antibiotic, and it made my back hurt where my kidneys were. So I panicked, and started to eat. Pretzels, chocolate, peanut butter. I was out of my normal "OSHITBINGE" food, which...oddly...is carrot chips, which are thinly sliced raw carrots. I eat those because I get full quick, and I actually love the way they taste, more than even regular potato chips. They're so cold, and crispy, and you can dip them in ranch (even full fat, with how much I use, adds only 25kcal to a 20kcal snack), or even have a little bit of crunchy peanut butter with them or sometimes, if I'm feeling REALLY bad, a little bit dipping cup of melted margirin, cinamon, and a touch of sugar (which all together adds about 40kcal to them? Still not bad, considering it's stopped me from going for like, the hershey bars before XD!) But yeah...I don't have any of those, so I wound up just...gorging.

I mean...it was more controlled than my normal Ambien-induced binges. But yeah.
The fact that I only gained .8? It was...kind of a relief.
Not that I didn't gain more with how much shit I ate total yesterday--though that is a MAJOR relief, mind--but the fact that I gained at all.

Weird that, isn't it?
But...I gained.
And I didn't gain EVERYTHING back.
It means that this isn't...some water weight loss. Or a "fake loss" that you get when sick, or just...some fluke.
It means this is really my number. That the scale is creeping down like it has been.

I think part of it is the work out, but also the fact that I haven't been EATING before bed. I've been CONTROLLING those binge urges for the first time in like...months. And the first time I do eat before crawling into bed? I gain.
But not a full pound. Not twelve pounds. Nothing like that.

It's also...I don't know.
lol
I was losing really quick, and I didn't know why, and I was worried it wasn't REAL loss, and that it would all just...come back the first time my eating got out of hand.
But it didn't.
I'm sort of happy I got that out of the way.



I wanted to go running today. Now that I'm off those devil pills, I've been feeling a lot better, but I've had a migraine trying to form. I think it's part of the symptoms of that medication still, from having only been off of it for a day. And other things.
Jesus.

I work through my weekend. I get Sunday night and Monday night off, instead. Which isn't too terrible. It means next week is a short week.



Awesome. In the time it took me to finish that sentence, currently girly just drove me up a wall and made my migraine go from "almost" to "full".

I have a vagina, and yet I still feel like I need a translator when talking to women.
Fuck.

3 comments:

  1. Carrot chips? This is interesting. Do tell. Share with us your knowledge oh wise one.

    I think the same way sometimes about the whole "real weight loss" as opposed to some fluke-ousity! I try to judge by the way my clothes fit me and I check [obsessively] for extra flab. I find that [for me ~ cuz I know we're all different] that if I just go right back to the way I was going [I'm very routine-y] that my body doesn't even sweat it.

    Espesh with as awesome of a worker-outer that you are, I'm sure your body will take it in stride!! Get used to your reality hun, you are NOT FAT or BIG or [insert whatever you thought you were] any longer!! This is your REALITY now!!! (with an extra dose of awesomeness cuz your awesome!)

    I'm sorry to hear about the whole doctor scenerio-it's tough going to the doctor but I hope he's somewhat helpful and you feel all better :)

    XO

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  2. Carot chips, hhmm, might have to try those.
    Congrats on your realllll weight loss :D

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