I want to tilt back my head and scream.
But I don't. I keep it
bottled up and locked away
safely guarded by the sweet and murmuring sisters
that reside inside of me.
I'm failing Ana.
Mia tempts me more and more but I
still make excuses.
(You'll find a way around them).
She whispers sweet and subtle.
Head,
bowed,
solitude. Trapped in failure.
How to explain the utter pain that comes
with eating
just
one
donut.
Everyone else is laughing and
all you can do is go to the bathroom
and
pinch your body.
Handfuls of fat.
Handfuls of hatred.
Hatred.
I wish
I could
take
a
knife
and
scrape
out
all
that
makes
me
unclean.
But then I'd be hollow and empty.
Even my beloved bones would have to go.
I'm corrupted to my core.
Even my marrow is fetid.
Filthy, filthy, no control--
Obese cow, pig, pig, pig
pig, cow, keep eating, keep--
--no. No. Food must go down, away from lips but
Mia? No, I cannot,
people will hear so I have to try and refrain
but--
--why am I not strong enough to starve?
Because you are not good enough for me.
Why do I still keep you around?
Please don't leave me, Ana.
I'm afraid of failing.
Afraid of getting better.
Pinching fat.
Blood coagulated from lies and dirt inside of me.
The filth of my own mind
perhaps has sullied my body
and made it no longer able to lose
the way another person should.
I know I can never be loved
the way other people seem.
Who could love me when they discover the monster
hiding
behind these
eyes?
A little girl so filled with lies
lives in the overflowing loneliness
of her crowded, solitary mind.
But I don't. I keep it
bottled up and locked away
safely guarded by the sweet and murmuring sisters
that reside inside of me.
I'm failing Ana.
Mia tempts me more and more but I
still make excuses.
(You'll find a way around them).
She whispers sweet and subtle.
Head,
bowed,
solitude. Trapped in failure.
How to explain the utter pain that comes
with eating
just
one
donut.
Everyone else is laughing and
all you can do is go to the bathroom
and
pinch your body.
Handfuls of fat.
Handfuls of hatred.
Hatred.
I wish
I could
take
a
knife
and
scrape
out
all
that
makes
me
unclean.
But then I'd be hollow and empty.
Even my beloved bones would have to go.
I'm corrupted to my core.
Even my marrow is fetid.
Filthy, filthy, no control--
Obese cow, pig, pig, pig
pig, cow, keep eating, keep--
--no. No. Food must go down, away from lips but
Mia? No, I cannot,
people will hear so I have to try and refrain
but--
--why am I not strong enough to starve?
Because you are not good enough for me.
Why do I still keep you around?
Please don't leave me, Ana.
I'm afraid of failing.
Afraid of getting better.
Pinching fat.
Blood coagulated from lies and dirt inside of me.
The filth of my own mind
perhaps has sullied my body
and made it no longer able to lose
the way another person should.
I know I can never be loved
the way other people seem.
Who could love me when they discover the monster
hiding
behind these
eyes?
A little girl so filled with lies
lives in the overflowing loneliness
of her crowded, solitary mind.
That was beautifully written.
ReplyDeleteSeriously, get out of my head! :)
That's how I've been feeling for a while now. I hope you feel better, love.
That was very beautiful and relatable. You showed ALOT of passion in this work.You can FEEL that little girl, and soon you realize that you ARE that little girl.
ReplyDeleteMarvelous.
that was such a nice post. i hope you're feeling better babes.
ReplyDeleteall my love .jen.x
I feel like I really connect with you and your writing. I think you might find my blog interesting too based on your last post. Let me know what you think. xoxo -Kate
ReplyDeletehttp://proanaquest.blogspot.com/
Your words pierce like the emotions your feel. I am worried about you. I send you much love and strength. And stand strong against Mia; she is a treacherous bitch.
ReplyDeletexoxox,
A
You write so beautiful :)
ReplyDeleteYour poems contain so much that I can relate to.
Love
Cille
You are my thinsporation. Your words sit in my head and keep me company when the hungry comes on. Thank you so much.
ReplyDelete