Sunday, December 20, 2009
Refeeding Syndrome; Back to Restricting
...I'm restricting again.
throughraindrops mentioned refeeding syndrome, which I had read a little bit about, but didn't really pay much attention to. I do things very gungho, which is a side effect of the ADD and probably the borderline (I have a case of borderline personality, brought on by trauma from when I was younger. It's a very mild case compared to most, and some doctors think it's actually PMDD--hormone related--instead of a behavior problem. I don't even know anymore XD).
I realized that I jumped into this way too fucking quick. Too much too soon. So I'm cutting back to 700-800 calories, and then I'll work my way up slowly, if I decide to really start eating normal.
I caved and took my blood pressure. When I'm at my healthiest, my stats are 108/60, and my heart rate is at a steady 82-84, which is still high, and I want to improve on. But when I took my stats today, I was at 128/87, with a pulse of 92 or 96 (I forget). I had a migraine that was absolutely terrible. And when I tried to sleep it off, I had nightmares. Really gory bloody fucking nightmares. My mood has just been shit, and I've been more depressed than I can ever remember.
So I'm back to restricting. Not for weight loss. But just for my fucking mental health.
My experiment in eating normal completely failed.
If I decide to try and go up again, then I'll do it slowly and carefully. But I got offered a chance at probably the best damn job (Or at least a chance to work for the best fucking company) in all of the Western US, and their benefits are to die for. So since this is just...really dangerous, it seems, I'm going to keep doing like I have with restricting, take more vitamins, make sure all my calories that I eat are USEFUL calories (instead of empty sugars), and if I can get this job, then I'll wait until my new insurance kicks in, and go to a specialist (if I still want to start eating normal again).
I do eventually want to get better. I realize this. I do want to be able to eat normal. But I think I'm smart enough to realize that I'm not really capable of doing that fully on my own. In the past week since I've a) started to entertain the idea, and b) implemented an action to eat normal, I've become depressed beyond all reason, self conscious to the point of crying about my body (and i don't cry very often about shit like that), despondent, consistently sick, completely losing interest in day to day activities, barely able to hold a conversation, and hardly able to get up the energy or will power to do such simple things as shower or clean.
Point is, I think even before I started restricting the first time I was depressed fairly often. Since I've started, I feel like I've cleaned out my body of a lot of the excess that was hurting it, and I just need to be smarter about it.
This is my choice, in the end. And while I need to make sure I don't get to the point of what drove me to try a crash attempt at eating normal, I think it's best for me, overall, to just...try and maintain an even ground.
My new minimum is 700. My max is 1200. I will still try to lose weight, but I must make sure to do certain things every day. I will perform stretches and core exercises when I wake up in the morning (not actual work outs, but things to activate the muscles that stabilize the spine, to cut back on back pain and migraines), make sure to take a multivitamin (with B-complexes in it) and iron supplements every day, eat at least one serving of vegetables and fruits, avoid "empty calories" of pure sugary substances, and never, ever, ever let myself purge again. I will monitor my exercise to make sure I never go past two hours spent working out (a maximum of 1 hour, 15 minutes of cardio, with a preference of an hour, and approximately 45 minutes of weights). And if I ever feel like I need certain nutrients (carbs, etc., and need being different from a craving), then I will listen to my body, even if it will force me past my calorie limit, so as to ensure that I do not get as sick as I did and land my ass back in the urgent care with failing organs.
Oh, did I mention that when I woke up with my headache, and with my high blood pressure in a dangerous zone for my own self, that I had severe chest pain and was convinced I was going to have a heart attack?
Fuck those assholes at clinics that shove girls full of food when they first arrive.
I have a healthy heart, but all that sugar and excess and shit ass rushing my system like a linebacker nearly did me in more violently than any restrictive behavior I've ever done.
Also, to anyone reading this trying to learn how I did it, or hoping to do what I am?
Don't be an idiot.
Don't start this.
I realize that now. This was stupid to even start, because now I'm trapped.
Do it right, do it with a doctors help, and don't do it like I did.
Because yes, it's been effective up until now, but my health problems I'm suffering because of this aren't really worth it, and it's filled with shame, and self horror, and lots of negative things, and all you become is this giant bundle of LIES. So many lies that you forget who you are around other people, and when you try and confront just how miserable you are inside, you can't do it, and you can't reach out for help, because it'll shatter the way everyone else in this world sees you, and it's the worst feeling in the world.
So...if you're thinking of starting, don't.
Don't try to make yourself this way.
If you're starting to act this way, get help now before it gets worse.
I don't think you'll talk to anyone who has an eating disorder (either restrictive like I have, or full blown fasting anorexia or bulimia or even COED) will ever recommend this. I don't think we should ever give tips on how to start. I only support people who already have it. Because there's no one else out there who sees this ugliness in us, and who still loves us.
So we gotta love each other while we're in this hole. Someone needs to know, or I think we'd all die so much easier.
Don't crawl in here with us.
It's not a very nice feeling to be in it.
And thus concludes my preaching.