Sunday, December 27, 2009
Control hasn't been going too well.
Didn't go to dinner, but had a major migraine brought on by combo if bad sleeping/meds/hormones, and got fast food. Amazingly, I haven't gained.
Went to gym, and beat my best time for running the 4 mile. Instead of 44:44, I got down to 42:09. Awesome.
Also got invited out with some friends I haven't seen since High School, who didn't really like me very much at the time, because I was a huge drug addict and not really in the best places emotionally. I have to switch days with someone at work, and really want to do this, because the guy who invited me is in the military and about to head back to the Middle East. I'm really scared. I know I'm skinnier than they've ever seen me but I'm still worried about how I look. It totally consumes my mind now.
Heading off to the gym again. I'm trying to figure out when I want to experiment with starving through the migraine, to see if i can get it to go away without eating. Going to need a time when I can get a few days off work and my parents won't be around a lot so I have to plan it carefully.
I also have $200 from Christmas and i'll probably get another $200 for my birthday in exactly a month now. I'm turning 23. Holy shit. My mom'll probably give me $100. Which if I save this, then I can have about $500 or $600 (if I manage to save another $100) and then I need to find out what I want to spend it on. I'm thinking a whole new work out wardrobe to encourage myself to get up and actually move, but I'm also considering things like a bed or maybe a new phone. But I have Verizon, and the Droid (by Moto, not HTC) looks absolutely awesome, but I flirted with a coorporate rep over the holidays at one of the Verizon stores, and he told me that I shouldn't buy it, but wait until summer when "something that'll blow it out of the water" is going to come out and it's going to be a 4G phone instead of a 3G. So I think I might wait, but I don't know yet.
I really don't want to go to the gym. I'm tired, and lazy, and I have a lot of house work to do, but I can't even bring myself to get up. I've been wanting to go to the gym for the past four hours now but I accidentally left my Zune on while I was sleeping and didn't realize it was dead until I was about to head out so had to charge it and then I fell asleep for a little bit and naps always kill my will power. Blahblahblah.
Okay, putting on shoes and leaving now.
Honest. I really am.
Anybody who says perfection doesn't exist needs to go to my gym at 6am and watch the girls who show up. Yesterday there were girls who had bodies that I could only dream of. They were short and tiny with full breasts and think legs and long torsos and pretty arms, and they were flexible and and skinny. One girl was balancing on one foot and brought her knee up to her forehead.
Of course, while most people would think they're ballerinas, I know the truth.
Strippers and fake breasts. You could see the hint of a fading scar on one girls. It's how people pay for plastic surgery out here. I just wanna save up somehow for it. I have a consultation with a plastic surgeon in February, because I wanna get down a little more on my weight. We're going to see how much a breast lift and augmentation would be (since my boobs are embarassing and saggy and have extra skin now since weight loss, and I'm self conscious because they're not full D's anymore), as wella s getting the pores on my face smaller and some of the stretch marks lazered away. That's the two things I wanna have done the most. But I'm also going to get a quote on a nose job and what it would cost to get work done on the ah...female parts. There's surgery you can do to make it "prettier" if things aren't to your liking, and my bits are actually a huge area of anxiety for me. I know the boob job will probably be about $15,000, and the pores will probably be about $1000-$2000. But I dunno! Hopefully they have financing. I'd like my tits and pores done before the end of 2010.
This entry turned longer than expected,b ut that's what procrastination does.
LEAVING NOW HONEST REALLY.