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Wednesday, December 2, 2009

I'm sorry.

Thank you all for so much support yesterday.
But I didn't do any of you proud.

It was probably the worst migraine I remember having in years. I was too shaky to walk right at work. I kept having to eat, thinking my blood sugar was crashing, and when I tried to lean over to grab something, I wound up on the floor because I felt like the world was moving. I got home and my depth perception went, my speech was slurred, and I remember at some point laying on the floor in the room because everywhere else hurt to be.

And I ate.

Fuck, I broke and I ate. And it didn't HELP. But I kept eating, because I felt like I needed something. Like my body was begging for something.

I stopped counting after 3000 calories, when I broke down sobbing.

The binge ended with plain white rice drenched in salt.
I should have known to go for that first.

My nephew eats it when he feels sick; my sister used to eat it when she would get menstrual migraines or hunger headaches (she was a junkie and had an eating disorder--she doesn't have custody of my nephew anymore--he doesn't even remember her, so when he started craving that without ever knowing his mom used to eat it or that I would eat it, it surprised all of us). It...made the pain so much less. That's what I was looking for. The salt, the carbs, the lack of flavor and just...the pure salt. I used the very thick kosher chunked kosher salt (it's hard for me to eat the regular anymore) and a little bit of sea salt.

I should have reached for it first. I should ahve just gone for it first. Salt always makes me feel better, but I kept thinking, "No, no, I need to cut back, because it makes me puffy."
You know what else makes you puffy?

I woke up with still the remnants of the migraine, like I do after such bad headaches. My speech finally started working right after I got in to work again. And the shaking stopped.

I haven't eaten anything yet. And I feel like such a fraud. I came in, and my coworker told me, "...did you lose more weight?"
No, I lost the initial bloat from my period.
But I'm so afraid of the scale.

Today is the gym.
Today is back to restricting.
To denying food.
To trying to make myself proud again.

I ate more than 4 days worth of food in the space of three hours.

I have to just let it go. I have to just remember that this is my shame, and it's over now. I can't do it again.
The only thing to do now is to move on.
To work it off.
To start again.

I'm sorry, you guys. I'm sorry I fucked up so badly. My control has been so good lately. I thought I was doing good when I went home to eat instead of going through a fastfood place like I wanted, but I would have been better had I just gotten the fucking grease pit. The only comfort I have is in knowing that my binge was on almonds and soy beans and fiber cereal and healthy things, rather than fat soaked and saturated, artery clogging hand-fulls of preservative filled shit.

I'll do better.
I'll make you all proud again.

I promise.


  1. awww PrettyWreck!
    it sounds as though you had a truly horrid day. i cant even begin to imagine what i must have been like to be in that much pain!
    we all have our slip up every now and again (and they seem to get us when we're doing out best, weird) and it sounds as though yours was pretty much justified!
    you did what your body NEEDED you to do in order to get better, and there's no shame in that.
    move on and stay strong =]

  2. You know what?
    You fall, you pick yourself up and you go on. Everybody fucks up, and you definitely had extenuating circumstances. The important thing is to learn from what happened, and move past it. Next time a migraine takes you out, you'll reach for the rice & salt.
    And you're right - at least what you put in your body was healthy, things your body can use, not saturated fats that will linger & linger.

  3. It happens to everyone, and at least your migrane gave you a good reason to binge. I think its amazing how far you have already come, I cannot believe that you used to be about 200 pounds less than a year ago. You are doing amazing, and one bad day isn't going to ruin it. Take it as a lesson and next time you'll know to go for the rice first :). Best of luck and feel better!

  4. have you ever thought about getting the contracpetive implant? no periods for three years = no fluctuations/migraines/bingeing?

    just a thought, it was the best thing i ever did.xx

  5. Seriosuly - i LOVE your blog. I'm also vertically challenged and empathize with being in the 120s. I feel like a short fat stubby waddler. You are a rock star with the consistent weight loss. I hope I can do the same!!!