The cheese fucking LIES

I did my grocery shopping.

Not a lot. Just some TV dinners, and I went to get some cheese and a few things for work and a gift card for my nephew. Everything was okay, a little, until I had been walking around a bit, and started to get nervous. I had to go into the baking aisle to see if I could find gluten and soy free mixes for my stepmom (she's got an allergy to both), and when I was there, I started to hyperventilate. Just breathing really hard, looking at it all wide eyed, and just...terrified. Absolutely terrified. I didn't find anything, so I went to look at cheeses, and as I was examining each separate bag, I started noticing the discrepancies in measurements.

28g (1/4 cup)--80 calories, on a package of Kraft.
28g (1/3 cup)--90 calories, on a package of storebrand.




....whatwhatWHAT?

Wait.
So. Same grams, different measurements? I don't have a food scale. How does one weigh more? Is the cheese more tightly packed? Are they rounding? What's really the difference? If I use 1/3 cup of the Kraft, or go over, then how much am I actually consuming? What's the true calorie count? How is 28g's a different measurement on each package? What if they're lying and I'm actually eating a lot more than 90 calories? I'm already convinced my Cookie Crisp box is lying to me, and I add on 20 extra calories for every bowl of cereal I eat. So what if the cheese is lying to me, too?

I broke one bag there because I started squeezing it so hard and didn't realize it.

Then I broke another one. The bag i did buy had a cut on it that I didn't notice--not caused by squeezing. But now my hands are red from wringing them out so violently, and I feel woozy. I did manage to buy some things. And I bought bacon. 70 calories for 4 slices, but then I started thinking about just what's in those slices.

Fat.
Pig fat.
Greasy, greasy fat. Shit that turns to liquid, and then HARDENS. It SOLIDIFIES. I'm trying to get fat off of me, and I'm slicing open an animal, and eating the fat in it. How does that work? Yes, calories are calories, no matter what form they come in, but this is fat. It's going to solidify in my body, and it won't burn off like it should, and I don't know why that is but my mind is CONVINCED that I will NEVER get rid of it because it will build up in my heart and my veins and I'll get fat and have a heart attack from it and it's going to fucking KILL ME and now I can't even look in the fridge because I'm afraid it's going to wind up making me fat just BEING in there.



I'm using it for dog food.




I bought carrots. I think I need more vegetables. I got home, and ate some carrots. One whole bag of the raw carrot chips is 175 calories. It's only 35 calories per serving, 5 servings a bag. I can't eat a whole serving. They fill me up.

They taste sweet and like safety.




They don't taste like lies.




All my other food taste like lies and poison.

I just spent nearly $100 on food that could be lying to me. I feel paranoid, but I think I'm still in the full swing of the anxiety attack. Could you imagine how terrifying that would be to find out that your nutrition information is wrong? And how could it be right? Have you ever looked at boxes of Eggo Waffles? How is one waffle 90 calories, but two waffles are 200? How the fuck are they rounding? What's missing? What the fuck aren't they TELLING US?

I want to go throw it all in the trash and scream, but I don't have time to cook anything, and all my TV dinners are (supposedly) under 230 calories.




I think I might switch to a raw veg. diet. Iceburg lettuce, carrots, zuchinni, and I'll buy raw organic nuts that I can cook up myself. I'll have soy beans, and fruit, and maybe, MAYBE some cheeses, but I don't know.

I don't know if I want that in me.
I'm so sick of gross things going inside of me.
I want natural and pure things.
I would prefer nothing.





I get migraines if I fast.
But maybe if I stop eating, and I starve myself through the pain, then my body will get used to it, and the headache will go away.

I think after the holidays, I'm going to try.


I'm so fucking hungry to be thin.