Once upon a time, there was a little girl filled with lies....
When did it start?
Did I wake up on April 1st, 2009, and suddenly decide not to eat anymore? To have a fucked up relationship with food?
When did the lies become part of me?
When did the exhaustion start to peel away at my will and weigh down my body with mounds of fat, or strip away the fat and weigh down my soul with mounds of deceit?
When did I give up?
When did I decide to start again?
What triggered that switch?
Did I migrate from disorders?
I remember as a child, standing in my room, working out relentlessly until I was too tired to move. And then, at only 11 years old, going into the bathroom and slicing at my shins with a razor blade. Shoving safety pins into my arms. I remember hiding in my room and eating and feeling so ashamed. Fluctuating weight, never knowing when to stop. Always hating myself.
Crash diets, violent binges.
When did it stop becoming "I'm just another dieter and can't help it" to, "...I should just not eat?"
I still hide in my room and shove my face full.
I did it last night.
I blame the ambien, but I think it's just this thing come out that can never stop. Even when I'm full and bloated, and close to throwing up, and my head is buzzing from the sugar rush, I just don't stop. I would kill myself through eating if it were possible, and cry the whole fucking time.
I can't have a normal relationship with food.
I try, and I abuse it.
So I have to refrain.
I just need to remember how to do that again.
I'm so tired.
She did not know why the lies were there, but she liked them. The lies were safe and protected her from the scariness of the real world, cushioning her from all the pain that came with things outside of her own mind. And so she began to believe her lies, and as she believed them, so did everyone else around her, and she sometimes wished someone would see through it, but she was too afraid of what that would mean to really wish for it too hard. She was sad, but she was happy; this little girl so filled with lies.
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"I can't have a normal relationship with food.
ReplyDeleteI try, and I abuse it.
So I have to refrain."
this sums me up perfectly.
i just cant. be. normal. with. food.
hope you're doing ok.
laur.
She did not know why the lies were there, but she liked them. The lies were safe and protected her from the scariness of the real world, cushioning her from all the pain that came with things outside of her own mind. And so she began to believe her lies, and as she believed them, so did everyone else around her, and she sometimes wished someone would see through it, but she was too afraid of what that would mean to really wish for it too hard. She was sad, but she was happy; this little girl so filled with lies.
ReplyDeleteI fucking love this. Love it. I have it saved on me computer along with another entry of yours (breaking) and I read them all the time. Did you write them?