Metabolic shock

I went to the gym, and was incredibly strict on what I did.
Only 25 minutes on the treadmill.
25 minutes on the treadclimber.
10 minutes on the stair climber.
And then a small amount of leg and calf exercises.
Then stretching.
And home.

I did my typical warm up of course of general core work outs (plank, leg extensions in plank pose, and drawing in the stomach to activate the supportive muscles of the spine and stuff--otherwise I get terrible backaches) but also had thrown in 20 push ups before my work out began to warm up my arms. I was very proud that I could go almost all the way down to the floor before coming back up.

I didn't lose anything from yesterday. In fact, I gained. 124. I didn't even eat a lot after I got home. I think maybe I had pushed so hard that my body went into a form of shock and just held on to everything. Plus, there's muscle gain, and complete water retention. But I'm sort of not doing the gym until the 15th, probably, because my exam is the 14th, and i have to pass that.

Which also means I might be quiet on here for a while.

My goal for this month is to get down, I'm hoping, to about 117.8 lb's. I mean, that's my high goal. My low goal (what I call my "realistic" goal) is to get down to about 120-121. I wouldn't like it, but whatever.
I just can't wait to be out of the 20's. It'll be so strange. Sometimes I can't believe I'm losing.

When I'm really tired and wake up, and worry about what my number will be on the scale, I keep finding myself thinking, instead of "Just please not 125" or something, I think, "Just please not 155...." or "I'll probably be back up to 175...."
And then I stop and blink, because just a few months ago, I was looking down at 152, and thinking, "If only those last two numbers were switched...." and now I freak out at the thought of getting back up to that low goal again.
I never thought I'd make it this far.

I think that's why I froze up at 134.
Why I just started eating and couldn't restrict.
I had never expected to get there. Never expected to be that low. I think I was suddenly afraid of the idea of reaching my goal. I don't know why, but it hit me that I might not know what to do if I did. That if you actually achieve something, or get really close, then it hurts so much more to fail. It was easier to give up than to never succeed, and that was hard to overcome. The fear of success is a real thing, because when you succeed, you gain something, and by gaining something, you naturally thereby have more to lose.

It was easier to always be a failure.
To always identify with one thing, rather than completely change my identity and my view of myself. Going from being, "An obese girl who can't lose weight" to "a skinny girl who met her goals".
Going from being a victim, to a leader. A success.

Isn't it strange how the human mind works?
Afraid of getting what you want.

Huh.

Anyway. I'm off for now to study.
Wish me luck, and I'll try to post a lot between now and my exam!