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Wednesday, December 9, 2009


121.2 lbs.

It's been a long time since I've lost weight this fast, and part of me is very grateful, but the rest of me feels like I'm dying.

I broke down crying multiple times in the past three hours.

Walking in to work I almost started bawling and barely stopped myself, then trying not to cry when my coworker was looking, then when I was alone in the office I finally broke down, curled up, and just sobbed.
And now I'm super pissed off. My make is like, $16 fucking dollars a tube, and I just cried it off. That's a damn waste of money.

My whole body aches. The doctor had said that with the way the infection was, I could be having a hard time absorbing nutrients and food. And I've been eating a lot. I mean...the past few days, I've evened out between 700-900. And yet today I woke up shaking, feeling like I was starving. Feeling like I haven't felt since I was on 500-600 a day for two to three weeks straight. And I wound up late for work because I stopped and got taco bell, and got something that was new, so that I wouldn't know the calories, because for everything else there, I have the calorie values memorized and can't eat it.

And then I waited until my coworker was gone, and sobbed while I ate, not sure if it was because I felt sick, or because I felt like a failure.

it's a quesadilla thing. I've eaten 1 1/2 slices out of 4, and now my antibiotics are making me feel too gross to eat, which i'm so fucking thankful for.

oddly, now that I'm not eating, I feel better.
I have food in my stomach, which i think helps, and I ate something tasty, and I'm sipping at a pepsi one (one calorie, and unlike diet, no aspartame, so I avoid migraines), and I partly feel too dead to cry now.

which also means i feel too dead to eat.

this is good in its own way.

I missed my follow up appointment earlier in the morning. I felt too dizzy to walk, much less drive.
I felt TOO SICK to go to the doctors.
But I packed my gym bag, and went to bed, so I could go to work and go for a run after.

Too sick to go visit a doctor to see if I'm getting better, but not too sick to keep up a public face and strive for weight loss.
How fucked up am I?

I made myself leave my gym bag at home when I was too dizzy to move properly before I left for work.
I only hope I'll feel well enough to go on saturday. I don't even need to be fully BETTER. Just well enough to exercise after work and not feel like I'm going to die in the process.
I could use the clarity of a good run right about now.

Also, this shit is making me paranoid.
I called my dad yesterday sobbing because i thought they were angry at me for no reason, and I was partly convinced everyone knew about my eating disorder, and that I was going to be forced into treatment somehow. I kept having this terrible memory of this psychiatrist I went to before I switched doctors a month or two ago, who started making me step backwards on a scale so I wouldn't be able to see my weight, because he had tracked down records that had information about my "unhealthy relationship with food" when I was like, 12. I didn't realize their clinic had merged with that old one and he'd have access to them so easily. And i had nightmares last night about my parents finding out, and it being just like when i was confronted with my drug addiction, only with so much more shame.

I think i hide it well. i dont think anyone suspects anything.
but im so convinced everyone is mad at me, or somehow knows, or even that people are talking about me or Im about to get fired at work.
apparently, this antibiotic is made of nausea, paranoia, uncontrollable crying, and general fail.




I just looked it up on askapatient, and HOLY SHIT. I'm not GETTING WORSE, It's the FUCKING MEDICINE.
I'm going back and throwing this in his god damned face. I'd rather have a fucking infection in my organs than wind up with failed kidneys and severe paranoia for the REST OF MY FUCKING LIFE.


  1. Shit!! That is terrifying! I wouldn't take another one either, just go to another doctor if you have to. Seems positively criminal that it's even being prescribed...

  2. those tablets!
    oh gosh!
    OH GOSH!
    are you still taking them???

    i hope you're feeling a bit better now, or hopefully will do real soon. im sending loads of love and happy thoughts your way!

    xxx love

  3. Oh my God, why is shit like this on the market? And if it hasn't been taken off yet, why do doctors prescribe it?? They must know what the hell it's doing to their patients, right?

    I'm so sorry, honey. That's ridiculous. I hope you're managing to clear your head alright, hope you're at home relaxing and getting that garbage out of your system.

    Feel better.

    you'll pull through though -xx <33

  5. That's awful ! They give that stuff to people who have contracted anthrax. It might help, once you finish the course of treatment to go on probiotics (Garden of Life is the best brand). It will help restore the natural flora that are supposed to be in your stomach that the antibiotics will have completely annihilated. It's also great for keeping you regular (hope that's not TMI) :) Feel better !

  6. Omg that medicine is scary.

    That's one of the reasons follow up visits are so important and that doctors actually **listen** when patients say that they have strange symtopms! Too many of them can write off things like depression and parnoia, but those really can be caused by different medications and definitely by the one you're taking.

    See a doctor ( a new one even!) and get switched to a different medication IMMEDIATELY!

  7. all the medicines they gave me when I was a minor...made me gain a lot of water weight
    and it is hard to lose, i finally started losing again
    and if i I stop taking it, I will legitimately die, it is that hard to get off.
    Fuck medication!