Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Paranoia--AND HOLY FUCK
It's been a long time since I've lost weight this fast, and part of me is very grateful, but the rest of me feels like I'm dying.
I broke down crying multiple times in the past three hours.
Walking in to work I almost started bawling and barely stopped myself, then trying not to cry when my coworker was looking, then when I was alone in the office I finally broke down, curled up, and just sobbed.
And now I'm super pissed off. My make is like, $16 fucking dollars a tube, and I just cried it off. That's a damn waste of money.
My whole body aches. The doctor had said that with the way the infection was, I could be having a hard time absorbing nutrients and food. And I've been eating a lot. I mean...the past few days, I've evened out between 700-900. And yet today I woke up shaking, feeling like I was starving. Feeling like I haven't felt since I was on 500-600 a day for two to three weeks straight. And I wound up late for work because I stopped and got taco bell, and got something that was new, so that I wouldn't know the calories, because for everything else there, I have the calorie values memorized and can't eat it.
And then I waited until my coworker was gone, and sobbed while I ate, not sure if it was because I felt sick, or because I felt like a failure.
it's a quesadilla thing. I've eaten 1 1/2 slices out of 4, and now my antibiotics are making me feel too gross to eat, which i'm so fucking thankful for.
oddly, now that I'm not eating, I feel better.
I have food in my stomach, which i think helps, and I ate something tasty, and I'm sipping at a pepsi one (one calorie, and unlike diet, no aspartame, so I avoid migraines), and I partly feel too dead to cry now.
which also means i feel too dead to eat.
this is good in its own way.
I missed my follow up appointment earlier in the morning. I felt too dizzy to walk, much less drive.
I felt TOO SICK to go to the doctors.
But I packed my gym bag, and went to bed, so I could go to work and go for a run after.
Too sick to go visit a doctor to see if I'm getting better, but not too sick to keep up a public face and strive for weight loss.
How fucked up am I?
I made myself leave my gym bag at home when I was too dizzy to move properly before I left for work.
I only hope I'll feel well enough to go on saturday. I don't even need to be fully BETTER. Just well enough to exercise after work and not feel like I'm going to die in the process.
I could use the clarity of a good run right about now.
Also, this shit is making me paranoid.
I called my dad yesterday sobbing because i thought they were angry at me for no reason, and I was partly convinced everyone knew about my eating disorder, and that I was going to be forced into treatment somehow. I kept having this terrible memory of this psychiatrist I went to before I switched doctors a month or two ago, who started making me step backwards on a scale so I wouldn't be able to see my weight, because he had tracked down records that had information about my "unhealthy relationship with food" when I was like, 12. I didn't realize their clinic had merged with that old one and he'd have access to them so easily. And i had nightmares last night about my parents finding out, and it being just like when i was confronted with my drug addiction, only with so much more shame.
I think i hide it well. i dont think anyone suspects anything.
but im so convinced everyone is mad at me, or somehow knows, or even that people are talking about me or Im about to get fired at work.
apparently, this antibiotic is made of nausea, paranoia, uncontrollable crying, and general fail.
DO NOT TAKE THIS FUCKING DRUG.
I just looked it up on askapatient, and HOLY SHIT. I'm not GETTING WORSE, It's the FUCKING MEDICINE.
I'm going back and throwing this in his god damned face. I'd rather have a fucking infection in my organs than wind up with failed kidneys and severe paranoia for the REST OF MY FUCKING LIFE.