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Saturday, December 19, 2009

So there's a lot to tell you guys.

Long story short, I'm trying to prove to myself that I don't need help by eating 1200-1500 calories a day, and since I accidentally spilled the secret to my psych, I'm switching psychiatrists so I don't have ot get weighed regularly. I can't stop losing, and I'm terrified of being forced to get better.
I can lose regularly.
But I can't be taken off my ADD meds, which he tried to do. I can't go back to how i was before. To how chaotic my mind was.

Anyway, I think I realized i was happier before I decided to confront this as being a sickness. It's not that I'm going to stop. I'm going to try, or at least...try to maintain a healthy caloric amount for a little bit, until my immune system comes back, and my finger nails are no longer a consistent shade of blue. I think I just need to try and self manage, and just...not go as extreme as I did before, but still keep low cal/tight control, until I manage to get a better job with better insurance, and can go see someone to help me relearn how to eat again. Someone to help me get control, so I don't inhale fucking EVERYTHING when I'm not paying attention.

I was COED before. I'm apparently a purge-anorexic. Since the extremes I do in exercise counts as purging. Who knew? But I restrict severely (600-800 cals to them is severe. Go figure.) and when I eat too much I go work out until i collapse.

And someone asked how I get the willpower. I just want to say I don't. If I don't work out, I get so depressed. So...I don't know what to tell you,b ut is sort of like asking a bulimic how they get the will power to throw up. It's not that it takes willpower to do it. It takes willpower to NOT do it.


I think Iwas happier when I was eating less.
Because now I just got back from the gym, and I still have...jesus...800 calories left to eat. And I broke down crying in the car, because the thought of trying to eat ALL OF THAT makes me feel sick. This is my third day now. The first two days of it, I literally felt like a marathon runner of food, or like Thomas the Train trying to get up some massive hill and plowing through the god damned sandwhich mountain. I felt so sick partway through each meal and I stopped TASTING things. The first day after reaching 1200, I was in cold chills and shaking. I realized a binge is WAY different than a steady consumption of large amounts of food.

If I don't make it to 1200 today, then I think I'll be okay with that.
I'm doing this to get my nutrition levels back up. To prove to myself that I have control and can eat as much as I want, and get better when I want.

so now to put that theory to action.

I think I can, I think I can.


  1. Getting your calorie count up is awful and hard, but you can do it. Especially on your own, maybe a nutritionist eventually. I cried every day and it took me forever to get to 1500. You might want to try Ensure...those are good drinks to get more calories down. I actually started drinking them again to diet...but you know, they are used with anorexics as well.
    Good luck <3