Saturday, May 16, 2009
Face Stabbing, and prayers to the Cow God
The infomercial I'm watching says "Eat more, exercise less!"
I want to stab it in the face.
I was 162 today. Exactly. I hope to be in 161 area tomorrow, but I don't know if that will work. Graaaaaah
I have never wanted to binge so badly in my life. I've got a migraine coming on. I just took an excedrine, I'm downing salt, and I'm eating. But I feel like my body is clenching and starved. My knees and legs hurt, my arms hurt, and my neck is starting to spasm. I'm worried I don't have enough salt. I'm one of those lucky people who have a natural deficit in my body, which means while most people need like...a tops of 2000mg? I'm safest at around 4000mg or higher, and start getting sick at 8k+. Instead of hypertensive, I get hypotension. My normal BP is like, 110/60 or lower (which is actually okay for my height) but when I get low on salt while my heart beat gets wonky, I drop to real dangerous lows and yeah. So stomach aches, cramps, body aches, and many headaches? Can often be fixed by breaking open a box of kosher salt/sea salt and just eating the shit straight.
I'm late with eating today. I have three "meals" a day. I stay around 600 or less a day, right? Because I do have actual god given health problems that will wipe me out if I go to less, and could actually fucking kill me if I tried to fast for longer than a day (seizures, coma, etc.--gotta fucking love genetics). But yeah. A lot of my problems are related to my weight, I'm convinced. I think when I get it down, most should get better, and at least if they don't, I'll be skinny enough for my problems to be considered beautiful on me, in that fragile sort of way. Right now it's just the issues of a cow.
Anyway, was late with getting "lunch". I had a good breakfast, and I managed to refrain. My parents made fucking BURGERS while I was asleep (I sleep during the day thanks to work) and I dreamt about them. Woke up and the only thing that stopped me from cooking was that the pans were still dirty and submerged in cold sink water, which had a top layer of grease. I told myself that if I was going to make one, I had to dip my tongue in the sink water and lick up a good, long line of that shit. Instead, I made myself something that was around 260 cals. Went shopping, came home, and had a late lunch, and because I'm so hungry lately, my body is like...attacking itself. I was shaky and angry and my muscles were all twitchy, and they still are, and it SUCKS.
And I know I have a binge coming on. I can feel it. Like, I can feel it down to my bones--this urge to eat, and eat, and eat. And it's not like a craving. It's like a driving force inside of me that is almost as strong as the urge to BREATHE. So I'm trying to get it under control now. Today, I've upped my normal intake from 500-600 cal, up to 750. I'm hoping that with that extra leeway, I can fit in enough snacks to make it feel like I'm being bad, curb the binge urge, and be okay. If not, I'm so scared I won't make it out of the 160's by the 21st (which is the end of week 3, and when I have my 159~ goal to meet).
So I'm going to go up to 750 today, or at least have that option open to me, to stop myself from binging.
On a good note--I have a shirt I haven't been able to wear for a few years. It's baggy enough to not show the still ugly backfat, but tight enough to cling to my curves. I wore that, with some nice brown slacks when I went out shopping...I'm used to heading out in baggy pants and XL-XXL men's shirts that reach like, middle of the thighs and hide me completely XD
And I got WHISTLED at.
I haven't been whistled at in FOREVER!
Also...while out shopping, I was picking up soups, and someone, I guess, saw all the shit in my cart, right? And they were like, "Trying to lose weight?" And I told her, of course, yes. So she goes, "You shouldn't get that soup. Look at the salt content! If you want to lose weight and be healthy, that stuff is TERRIBLE! Almost 600mg!"
So I told her the higher the better for me, because of my salt deficit. Told her how much I generally tend to need...
And she gave me this look.
This look like I had just pissed on her Pradas, or sodomized a litter of kittens and burned a puppy alive. Like I had just raped her rainbow, and she says in this irritated voice, "I used to make excuses too," and stormed away.
And I called out after her, "Heifer, please. If I was interested in the opinions of a bovine, I'd be meditating in the meat isle."
Then the Walmart clerks yelled at us and told us to stay away from each other or they'd call security XD That's when you know a trip to Walmart was worthwhile-when you get threatened with security, and/or escorted out by them.
Anyway, done now XD
Gonna go take another excedrin and eat a little more salt then head out to the gym.