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Thursday, May 21, 2009

When it rains, it god damn pours....

I'm not going to feel bad for what I said to you.
You KNOW that I love you. You know that.
Does she?
Everytime we talk, she gets angry. She tells you to stop. And you listen. I don't care how you feel about me. I want my god damned friend back.

I'm not going to feel bad for what I said to you. Because you made me cry. You have that power over me.
I'm fucking dying inside. I'm stuck on this stupid weight thing, and I'm alone, and I had you back for one day in months, and she made you stop talking to me, and you get pissed over one snide remark I make?

Fuck this. Fuck this all.
You've told me before that I'm not going to lose you. That if you were with me, you'd treat me the way I wanted, and even as a friend, you'd treat me with respect, which is all I have ever asked of you. You know my history, you know how bad I can be when I don't just get told, even every ffew days, a message of "I haven't forgotten you". That's all I need. That's it. Not even a conversation. Just a reminder that I'm not forgotten, and you promised you would do that, because you knew how I felt and I get nothing, because SHE won't let you.

SHE, the girl who fucking left you crying alone on a couch when your mom went into a coma and told you to get the fuck over it. She, who throws tantrums when your loved ones are dying, or gets herself arrested for drugs, and you, who goes to her no matter what.

And you listen to her, over me, the person who's been there. Who's walked out of work for you, who hasn't slept for you, who would do anything for you.

You told me I wasn't going to ever lose you.
But even if that's the case, it doesn't matter anymore.

Because you just lost me.

I'm not going to love you anymore, now. I'm sorry. But this isn't worth it to me now.


  1. I wanna give you a big hug. I can adept on how you feel.
    Keep your head up and be proud. The only things you need are your pride, your strength and yourself.

    And I think it's remarkable that you decided that it's not worth it. I wish I had the strength to say that.

  2. Nice Strength.. but as the saying goes "nice guys finish last" .. although, you know - switch genders where necessary.

    People want the people that don't want them.
    It always happens, unfortunately.

    Be good and happy

    luv xx

  3. I'm sorry. People are...well, sometimes they are just down right shitty.

    Be strong. You deserve the best.

  4. I can't deal with myself, so I involuntarily devaste all vital relatioships in my life.

    And it's so damn hard to cope with someone else's betrayal when you can't even trust yourself.

    Jaysus, I'm sorry, my head is just spinning as always...

    just a big hug, you lil' <3

  5. It's a cruel small world. I hope that you will have people who are there for you in the end. People you can trust

    Jag önskar dig all lycka du förtjänar
    Wich is swedish for I wish you all the happiness you deserve.

  6. Good luck with that: turning your love off like a faucet. Love grabs us by the throat without warning and leaves in its own sweet time. Even hate doesn't turn it off but turns it into a love/hate relationship. You will love her for as long as she stimulates strong emotions within your heart, and let her go when she no longer has the power to move you. My guess, she still possess your heart and will for some time to come.

  7. like ur blog! u should show us what u look like, to get a feel of the blogger.

  8. I found this weight loss competition on this blogging thing xanga that some girls do, u can see it here:

    It would be fun cause we can compete with weight loss, but in a enjoyable and supportive way. And we could have a points system like if we stay under goal calorie intake we get 5 points.

    Would you want to join if I made a site like this on blogger?

  9. also i hope u don't feel like i'm taking ur idea or anything really sorry if u do...please tell me if you have a problem with it, just thought that mine would be different cause it would be a competition with points.

  10. *hugs* Sending you my love and support.

    I'm also keeping you in my thoughts as you deal with things emotionally and with your physical conditions.