.o10

I cried stepping on the scale today. I've never done that before. Normally, I have some idea of what it's going to be, but yesterday, I was honestly surprised at how much I had gained in one night. I know it has to be something like just...water weight, or just...I don't know. But I don't think that what I ate can possibly explain what the weight was. I actually will not say it, because I'm highly superstitious, and fear that if I put it down in writing, it will solidify it into reality. While I do understand that this is a strange thing, it's just...well, let's call it a fallback to old religious belies I once strictly followed in my youth.

It's why I never think "I will never see ____(insert weight here)___ again" until I'm a good ten pounds away from it. And even then, I don't think the number "out loud". I'm afraid to think it.

See...I was raised Jewish, and then converted to a certain branch of what I suppose would be called "Pagan" (not falling under any currently organized accepted religious definition or congregation despite having historical accuracy). Part of the belief was, that if you think something or praise something in your own life such as weight, or money, or other things that you are terrified of losing, it will attract negative forces (energy, demons, spirits, whatever you want to call it) that will ruin it.

It's all right to celebrate good things when you get them, but after that, you don't brag. You don't boast. You don't rub it in peoples faces. You never bring up the accomplishment again. Especially if it's something that can be taken away. This doesn't count toward other people--you can compliment them all you want or praise their good qualities or fortunes--but like, I will never brag about what I have in bank account or complain (even in my own head). I won't ever brag about getting down to a certain weight too long after it happens. I will never say "I'll never gain that weight back" until after I've had it off for a long enough time to start to make those claims, and trust myself.

Otherwise, you attract the "bad karma" or whatever that will punish you for your boastfulness and pride.

Strange, isn't it? I think, philosophically, it was a lesson that was preached to teach humility.

It's also the same with bad things (gaining weight, running out of money, getting sick). If you write them down, or talk about them too much, you show how much it has truthfully hurt you, and these "negative forces" will work to make it permanent.

It's silly, I know. But yeah.

Anyway, to try to focus on what I want, and my goals of my life, I've been looking up thinspo all night.

Hopefully I'll be able to get past this, and back to what I was at by the time I wake up tonight.