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Wednesday, May 20, 2009

"How far are we gonna take this, da?"
"The question is not how far. The question is, do you possess the constitution, the depth of faith, to go as far is as needed?"
-Boondock Saints

I finally watched the end of the movie, and that line has stuck in my head. And I think it can be applied to this. To what we do. Strange, how easily picking out false meaning in things can be.
Everything is interpretation. When removed from context, a friendly hello can turn into a fuck you.

I gained a pound. Yesterday, I ate less than 500 calories. I gained a pound. I didn't work out. I've been sick. Not sure what's wrong with me, but the nightmares and the tremors are getting worse. I want to eat, but it's hard to eat. I'm thinking it's water weight, or maybe just body storing shit, and it'll drop off tomorrow or something. Whatever. I think part of this "I don't feel good" is my mind fucking with me. Physical manifestations of emotions. It happens, when I lose a certain amount of weight. I always get ill, and it's my excuse to give up and gain it back. Not going to do that this time.

Anyway, I'm going to go work on some graphics and see if I can't find another movie to watch. Just not feeling human interaction right now.

I'll try replying to people later.


  1. Wonderful insight. Intrepretations/perceptions are the foundation of powerful actions.

    Why do we feel like our bodies and minds are consipiring against us? I've been feeling that way too. Doesn't that just mean that we are consipiring against ourselves? And if so, why do we do that again and again? I feel like my life is nothing if not a series of self sabotages.

    Don't give up and don't give in. I think you are at an important crossroad. I know you can do it. I know that you "you possess the constitution, the depth of faith, to go as far is as needed".

    Much love,

  2. Don't worry about the 1lb - it'll go away soon enough.

    Wish I had better words to help comfort you, but just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you.