It's amazing how much one bad day and one day of weight gain can completely tear you apart.
This morning I woke up and was at 167.2. This is a good thing, since it's a new low on this weight loss round, meaning I'm down a little over 3 pounds this month. I have until the 7th to lose .4 more pounds in order to be on track for the month, and since I get to return to the gym on Thursday, I think I'll be able to meet my goal.
When I stepped on the scale, I wasn't sure if it was true. After I had my water and my concerta, I stepped on it again and saw I was only at 167.4, which means I'm actually in the 167 range right now. I was so relieved to see it go down.
It's funny, because I see it, and I feel happy, then I get off, and immediately I'm determined again. I'm not as depressed as I am when my weight doesn't move or worse, goes up. It just doesn't feel like I've actually lost weight, I guess. I look at myself in the mirror and I don't see it. I mean, I do, in that my stomach isn't as big, but that's it. My face is thinner, I guess.
I keep telling myself, "When I get down to the _____'s, it'll hit me that I'm losing weight." Like, when I was in the 90's, I told myself, "I just want to get the 80's, then it'll be real", then it was "When I get to the 70's", then "When I get to the 60's..."
I wonder if it's going to hit me at all.
So...after I wrote this, I did notice something.
When I stay the same weight for more than about a day or two...or when I gain even an ounce (I fucking hate that word. Gain. I HATE IT), I look at myself and can't stand it. I see my reflection in the glass doors at work as I'm doing patrols and I can only think of how I haven't changed since I was tipping at almost 200.
Then days like today, where I've lost a pound, and I look, and think how much better I'm looking. How I'm not there yet, but I'm getting there, and I see myself as I want to be--I can see a dual reflection of who I am versus who I will turn into, and it's strange. It's the same image, and I doubt you can really see such a difference with a pound, but it feels like it. I always feel better when I lose. Walk taller, breathe easier.
So I guess in a way, it does hit me. Just not like I thought it would. More like climbing up a mountain, and looking up, and seeing how far left to go, but being able to look back and say, "I'm a few feet higher than I was yesterday."
I like the allegory of the mountain. It makes sense, and it really appeals to me aesthetically. Where I live, we never have a /real/ snow where the world turns into a fondant-covered fairytale land. So some of my best dreams include a snowy setting. Snow is so clean and pristine to me; like the feeling you get when you have control over food, over anything.
ReplyDeleteLet's climb this mountain.
I'm scared too, about reaching my GW and it not being enough. I keep telling myself that I'll just stop losing when I reach GW instead of saying I'll be happy at 111 because in reality I doubt I'll ever be happy with my body.
ReplyDeleteWell stated. I've been climbing the weight loss mountain my whole life. I'm starting to wonder if there is a top. I don't know.
ReplyDeleteSeveral years ago I lost 60lbs. The weird thing was that I didn't (and still don't) see it. I mean, I know logically that I weigh less than I did but I look fatter to me. How is that even possible? Why does that happen? And when I get to my goal will I see it? Will it be enough? Does this mountain ever peak??
I understand how u feel...bit of an overachiever myself. Right now I would be amazed if I got to 99 pounds but I know when I get there I'll try for the 80's and feel like crap when I struggle to get there, cause lets face it the lighter u get the harder it is to lose weight. But hang there man u are doing amazing...I'll leave u with an inspirational quote ''I'm not there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday.'' Hope it helps! xoxo
ReplyDeleteWow-- yes, sometimes I think the only reason I'm "eating disordered" and not just dieting is that no matter what I do, I think I'm HUGE. It's gotten to the point where I'm so afraid of gaining that I'll only look at the scale when I'm reasonably confident I've lost... because if I see the number's gone up, like an idiot I'll BINGE. And that thought is terrifying.
ReplyDelete