Saturday, May 2, 2009
Sorry for not replying to everyone's entries right off. I'm going to have a hard time until Thursday, since finals are Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Saturday. But when they're over, I'll start keeping up with everyone like I normally do :3
And thank you so much to everyone for so much feedback and positive support! I PROMISE I WILL MAKE YOU ALL PROUD! All of your words make me feel like I have a reason to keep going, and when I feel down on myself, or want to give up, I think of how strong all of you are, and it gives me strength too. Thank you so much ♥
In the meantime if any of you want to chat, my aim name is on my profile, and I also get mail at that account (firstname.lastname@example.org). It's purely for people in the ED community, because I'm a bored loser like that.
So I don't have a lot of time right now. I'm about to crawl into the bath.
My body is surprisingly NOT sore from yesterday, but that could be the six ibuprofen and five excedrin I've taken in the past 2 1/2 hours. I woke up with a headache that desperately wanted to form and I've been fighting it off like a fucker.
Yesterday was okay with eating. I did fine until a few hours before bed, when I was overwhelmed with the urge to EAT. Like, I could feel the binge coming on. Somehow I managed to only eat maybe 150 calories worth, putting me at about 600 for the day. This morning I woke up and the headache knocked my ass down, and my parents had cooked steak and fried potatoes. I attacked it like a starving lion, no fucking joke. I didn't even grab a fork, not like I like extensively utilize utensils (I have this weird thing where I feel like i have more control if I eat with fingers. I have to stop between every bite to wipe off my hands, and I can physically feel the texture and weight, and yeah. Or I could just be lazy). It was a thin and small steak, but I ate almost all of it.
The rest went to the dogs, because if it was there, I would eat it. The dogs are my way of disposing of food, where I can't get it back.
I think maybe it was 350 calories? Not too terrible, but still, not great. So long as I keep low for the rest of the day. And to make up for it, today is a dieters tea and laxative day. (EW RIGHT?)
Next Saturday, I'm going out to an Asian buffet with my grandma. So Saturday night to sunday morning (like I said, I'm up all night because of my shift) is going to be my official binge day. I'm planning it out, so I'll have something to look forward to. Just one day where I can go to the sushi place, and get it out of my system on something that isn't overwhelmingly bad for you like Jack in the Fat.
I think that, if I feel a binge coming on, I should start to plan for them. Like yesterday and today, I have this urge to just eat and it's undeniable. So I'm telling myself that if I stay good, I can go get something I love (sushi) instead of the shit we have here in the house, or worse, burgers. So it's a week away. I'm going to schedule them in a week away, and then two weeks, then three, &c. &c., until I can just not have them at all.
Last night, I opened up my "bag of things I'm too fat for". I have a few pieces of clothes from when I was at my smallest (125-135?) when I was on drugs, and then when I was at my smallest from when I did it through dieting before (151 or thereabouts).
Well, to put this into perspective...
...when I started to work to lose weight at my highest (~200lb) a size 18 was tight. I worked my ass off and ate healthy at first (from November to January) and started to fit better into those, but size 16's killed me still. I took time off because I got lazy, and then April 1, when I started my restriction "diet", a size 16 was still a bit too tight to be comfortable.
Mid April, I could pull them off without unzipping them. Yesterday, they almost fell off completely
So I decided to see if I could find pants that did fit.
I'm in 14's. From a size 20 when I first started losing weight, to a 14. The 14's are still a little tight at the top, but if I lose this month like I did in April, they should hopefully be baggy again soon.
It's kind of awesome, because I'm not looking at these thinspo pics anymore thinking "I wish..." and going "I'll never look like that, no matter how hard I try..."
Now it's, "When I look like that." I know that it will be hard, and it won't always be fast, and I have so much to lose. But a lot of other girls have also lost as much weight as I'm trying to now. And now they can pose in those pictures, and be beautiful, and be envied, and be loved. And if it were easy, that would make all of us doing this less special--less powerful. Less strong.
I'm going to make it.
All of us will. So long as we stay strong, and don't forget what matters most.
My two favorite thinspo quotes of the moment: "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels" and, "The only way to get rid of your cravings is to give into them. Crave to be thin. Crave it more than anything."
Anyway, I have a challenge for all of you lovelies on my list, and I want to think out the terms properly before I post it. I think it'll help motivate at least some of us. I know it'll help motivate me. :3