Tuesday, May 12, 2009
jesus fuck what if this doesn't stop?
So I've been doing a lot of research. I've been on this plateau for four days, and I'm starting to feel really worn out from it. The thing is, I know this isn't from slacking.
I burn, on average, 800+ calories a day at the gym.
My in take is at 500 calories.
I should, mathematically, be losing almost a pound a day, when you add it all together.
But I'm not.
I'm gaining weight.
It's terrifying. I haven't gained weight on my plateau's before.
Most sites I've been looking at say that while sometimes, upping intensity can help break past it, not always. One place described it as "hitting the gas when your tires are stuck in the mud--it only digs you in deeper". Which I guess makes sense. The all say to lay off. Keep a certain level of calories each week, but mix up how much you eat per day, and also to take a break for a little bit. That it'll help your body unwind and let your metabolism readjust to normal again.
So I'm going to restrict, but I'm going to relax on exercising. Maybe or a day or two. I'm going to take my dog out for a walk, and then come home and stretch. I've eaten over 600 calories today, and drank a lot of water, and I'm going to put the scale away until my weigh in on the 14th. I'm...terrified I'm going to be stuck here. That it's not going to move, or that I'm going to gain more weight. I don't think I could deal with that. I don't know what I would do.
I just hope I can break past this soon. Tonight will be day five. If it goes beyond that, I think my head is going to break. I just want to be down to 165 tonight. I want to see it be lower than 166 or (ohgodfuck) 167. I want to know I can break past this and get into the 150's.
When I'm the 140's, something magical will have happened. For the first time in years, I'll have lost more weight than I need to lose. At 149, I'll have 46 pounds to lose, and I'll have lost 48. Right now I've lost between 30-31lb's. But it's stuck. I don't want to be in this upper bracket anymore. I don't want my BMI to still count as obese. I have never been just "overweight". At least not since I was a young teen, I think. And maybe when I was on drugs. But I just...never naturally. Never or a long period of time. I've always been obese. I don't want that word attached to me anymore.
I don't want to have to shop in plus sized clothing. I don't want to be in this midpoint between a 14 and a 16. I don't want to be in a 14. I want to be able to wear shirts that aren't baggy men's shirts without having to worry about back fat. I want to wear things that make me look like a girl. I need to do this. I have to do this.
I just don't know how anymore.